


Be cruel to me ('cause I'm a fool for you)

by frenchkiss



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, First Time, Fluff, Kidfic, M/M, Minor Character Death, Parent-Child Relationship, Rimming, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 07:55:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 37,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2765522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frenchkiss/pseuds/frenchkiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Baba, can I get the same job as Leeyum when I grow up?”</p><p>“If you want, flower,” Zayn snorts, ruffling her hair fondly. “Liam here can teach you.”</p><p>“Oh, no, I can’t have someone who could potentially love penguins more than me threatening my job,” Liam says in a fake-serious tone. “I mean, Raani here even has a t-shirt and I don’t think I can compete with that.”</p><p>“No, no, Leeyum, I won’t steal your job,” Raani shakes her head hurriedly. “I’m only five, I don’t think I can steal your job until I’m old.”</p><p>Or the one where Zayn is a stressed out single dad, Liam might just be what he needs, Louis and Niall are always happy to babysit and Harry's a loud snorer. </p><p>Written for the Ziam Winter Fic Exchange.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be cruel to me ('cause I'm a fool for you)

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiii! This was written for a prompt asking for single dad Zayn and zookeeper Liam but then escalated into a mess of feelings and fluff and angst and semen. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> I don't own One Direction blah blah blah

If you had described to sixteen year old Zayn Malik what his life would be like at twenty-three, he would have flat out laughed and told you to fuck off.

If he could have described how he had wanted it to go then, he would have probably said something along the lines of spending his days still getting high with Louis or going out with Niall and getting smashed. He would probably be in uni or just coming out of it, maybe going off to become a teacher or an illustrator like he once thought.

If he went so far as to factor in girlfriend - the girl he was pretty sure he wouldn’t ever fall out of love with (perhaps it was teenage naivety but looking back he really did love her) – perhaps he would see himself taking her on better dates than to the McDonald’s drive-thru at midnight or to dingy clubs where they would grind on each other and snog until they both couldn’t bare it anymore and had to hurry out of there, giggling as they ran down the dark streets of Manchester towards the dingy flat Zayn pictured them sharing together, fucking on their bed until the sun rose. Perhaps he would even propose, take her to the Eiffel Tower or somewhere equally sappy and get down on one knee, ask her if she wanted to be his forever.

In his head, she would say yes and then they would marry maybe a few months later. Children would come in the following years, when they were both in their late twenties and both financially stable.

But now he’s twenty-three, single and his five year old daughter is currently poking him in the face to wake him up.

“Baba!” he hears her whine, jabbing her little sharp nails into his cheek. “Baba, you promised you would wake up today, Baba!”

He cracks open one eye and sees Raani glaring at him, her tiny lips parted in a little pout and her pudgy little hands on her hips indignantly. It’s a look he knows well, both from his five year old and his twenty-four year old best friend. He really needs to stop letting Louis babysit.

“I did promise, Rara, but just let your Baba sleep a little longer, yeah? I still promise we’ll go.”

“Baba!” she repeats, crawling closer to him and shaking his shoulders. “Baba, the cartoons have finished on the telly! This means it’s afternoon and this means we need to go!”

Zayn sighs and shakes his head, because he really can’t fault that logic. “Fine, I’m up. Do I at least get a morning cuddle?”

She nods and dives into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face into his sleep shirt. Zayn can’t help the soft smile as Raani snuggles into him and he brings one hand up to stroke through her slightly sleep-matted curls, pressing a kiss onto the crown of her head.

“Morning, sunshine,” he murmurs and Raani squeezes him tighter, pressing a little kiss onto his shoulder.

“S’not morning,” she points out, pulling back and smiling at him with her proud, wide smile that she definitely got from her mum.

“Nonsense,” Zayn tells her, shaking his head. “It’s only morning when I wake up.” He holds her closer and sits himself up so she’s nestled on his lap, head resting against his chest. “Has Uncle Loulou gone then?”

Raani nods. “He made me Weetabix and then left. Said he had to get some breakfast for himself, even though we’ve got Weetabix AND Shreddies AND Coco Pops!” Zayn snorts and Raani cranes her head inquisitively. “What’s funny? You _always_ tell me breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

Zayn nods solemnly. “That’s because it is, Rara. Uncle Lou probably just wanted some of that healthy shi- stuff that Uncle Harry likes so much, you know with the raisins and the dried fruit…”

“Ewwww,” Raani says, pulling a face and shaking her head in confusion. “Uncle Lou is weird.”

“Very weird,” Zayn agrees. He always tries to avoid keeping secrets from Raani because she’s very perceptive for her five years but he is absolutely never going to tell her that when he and Louis shared a flat, having breakfast was their not-so-secret code for having sex. Louis is corrupting his child without her even knowing. “Okay, flower, let’s get you ready.”

“Can I wear my penguin top?” Raani asks excitedly, scrabbling out of her dad’s arms and off the bed. She scrunches her little face up in sudden bewilderment. “Will they think I’m a penguin if I do?”

“Probably not, darling,” Zayn says, throwing the covers off his legs and standing up with a click of his back. “Go get dressed while Baba has a shower and then I’ll braid your hair for you, alright?”

Raani nods and scampers away eagerly, singing a song that she probably wrote herself about penguins and tigers. Zayn shakes his head after her fondly before he strides into the bathroom, locking the door and pulling his trackies and boxers off. He stuffs them in the hamper and turns on the shower to warm up, using the loo and cleaning his teeth in the meantime. Their flat is old and it takes a while for the water to get warm, so when it does Zayn slides gratefully under it, washing the grime from the bar off his skin and the copious amount of gel from his hair.

Working in a bar until five in the morning isn’t necessarily his idea of a great job, but it pays well and he finds he can get enough tips to support both him and Raani comfortably if he bats his lashes, winks a little and flirts back with the punters. It’s not what he’s planning on doing for the rest of his life but it pays the bills so he can’t really complain.

He does though, to Louis all the time because he loves sleep and he loves Raani and he hates that sometimes it seems like Louis spends more time with his daughter than he does. Louis is an absolute godsend though, because he’s willing to pick her up from school while he’s working at the supermarket during the day and crash on the couch (or stay up later than he would if Zayn’s only working a half shift) two or three nights a week so Zayn doesn’t have to fork out for a babysitter; an expense he really doesn’t need with Christmas only four months away. So he’s grateful and he’s happy, because he has enough for himself and his wonderful little girl and it’s enough really. And the fact that he’s _finally_ got the time to take her to the zoo for her birthday treat like he’s been promising for a few weeks is reward enough, really, because as long as his little girl is smiling then he’s the happiest bloke in England.

He shuts off the shower and steps out, wrapping a towel around his waist and heading back into his bedroom. He pulls on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans quickly, because he knows that if he doesn’t Raani will get impatient and start baking on her own again or something. So with that in mind, he tousles his hair, spritzes some aftershave on his neck and yanks on a pair of socks at speed.

“Rara?” he calls, opening his door once he’s dressed.

“In my room, Baba!” she calls back. He can basically step straight from his room into Raani’s so he does, opening her door where he sees her sitting on the floor with her dolly in her hand, combing through her long hair.

“Hi, flower,” he says, setting himself down behind her and opening his legs into a V. “Still want plaits?”

“Yes please,” she nods, handing over her hairbrush, dolly suddenly forgotten. He takes it from her and runs it through her hair, dividing it neatly into two sections and then plaiting it in the way Doniya had showed him for once her hair was long enough.

It’s silent apart from Raani’s quiet humming to herself and Zayn’s almost relieved, he must admit. Even though it often feels like he rarely gets time with her now that he’s taken on his second job, she’s getting to the age and stage he’s been dreading for near her whole life; the age when she realises that it’s not necessarily the norm to have just a Baba instead of two parents. He feels like it’s almost around the corner and he wants to be the one to bring it up when he’s ready, so instead of risking it happening today, he clears his throat to snap her attention back to him.

“So Rara, what else do you want to see other than the penguins?”

“The giraffes, I think,” she says thoughtfully. “And the lions and the tigers, like the one on your arm.”

Zayn smiles softly. “Ah yes. What’s more exciting, seeing the penguins or seeing tigers in real life?”

“That’s a stupid question, Baba, of _course_ it’s the penguins.” Raani turns back at him and rolls her eyes (Zayn is going to _skin_ Louis). “Penguins have been my favourite aminals since I was three and tigers have only been my favourite aminal once when you got the one on your arm.”

“Animal, Rara, remember it’s _animal,_ not aminal,” Zayn chastises gently. He ties the second hair bobble around her plait and tucks it over her shoulder. “Up you get anyway. I’ll make you some lunch and then we’ll head out, yeah?”

Raani pouts. “But isn’t it my treat day?”

Zayn stares at her.

She sighs. “Why don’t I get chips and nuggets on my treat day?”

Zayn sighs back. She has a point, it _is_ her birthday treat after all. “Fine, flower, chips and nuggets for the birthday girl.”

She squeals and wraps her arms around his middle, pressing her head into his tummy. “Best birthday ever, Baba, yay!”

He reaches down and scoops her up properly, tucking her little legs around his middle and cuddling her close. She’s bigger than she used to be, obviously, but Zayn’s really going to miss it when she’s too big for this because there is very little he loves more than a proper cuddle from his favourite girl, especially when she’s happy and excited. She’s also starting to really grow into her face, which is something Zayn finds almost comical when Louis or his mum or Doniya tells him that but he can see their point – aside from her eyes and her skin tone, she’s starting to look so much like Perrie he can almost barely stand it. He ignores the way his heart clenches at that and pulls her back so he can kiss her on the cheek.

“Okay, _but,”_ he says faux-sternly, “if you’re having chips and nuggets then you can’t complain about eating your peas and carrots for a whole week.”

“Baba,” she whines, pouting dramatically. “This isn’t fair, it’s my birthday!”

“Doesn’t mean you get a pass for not eating your vegetables, flower,” he tells her. “Promise?”

“Urgh, fine!” she groans, shaking her head so her plaits almost smack Zayn in the face. “This is why I like Uncle Lou more than you.”

“Uncle Lou is getting banned from this house if that attitude continues,” Zayn grumbles, setting her down. “What jacket do you want to wear?”

“The blue one,” she says, going over to her little pink wardrobe and plucking it out. “Come on, Baba, let’s _go.”_

He raises his eyebrows at her but follows her through into the kitchen, where she collects her little handbag that Harry got her for her birthday. He ties her little Converse onto her feet and then guides her towards the front door and downstairs to where Louis’s left his car for them (he _supposes_ Louis isn’t too bad sometimes, what with the way he’s added Zayn to the insurance on his car so he can drive it too).

The drive to the zoo isn’t hugely long, maybe twenty minutes, and all the while Raani keeps herself blissfully entertained as  _Now That’s What I Call Disney_ plays loudly and she sings along to Ariel and Pocahontas and Simba. It’s coming up to two o’clock by the time they pull into the car park so Zayn can already tell that the queue isn’t too long, most families having arrived early for the whole day.

He parks up and unbuckles himself first, before he goes round to the back seat and helps Raani hop out after him. He takes her hand and leads her towards the entrance, where he pays for their two tickets (once again, blessing Louis for putting his name down for a student card even though he’s never been a student in his life). She whines about wanting a stuffed penguin from the gift shop but Zayn shakes his head and murmurs something about “maybe later, flower” in the hope that she’ll forget (she almost definitely won’t, but a bloke can hope).

As they hand their tickets over to get through the barrier, they’re given a map that says to follow the arrows around the zoo, meaning the penguins will end up being one of the last animals they see. Raani glares at the map as he tells her this but Zayn shakes his head.

“No, look, flower, the first animals we’ll see will be the giraffes and then the zebras and then a little walk after that we’ve got the lions! Isn’t that good?”

“I guess,” she grumbles petulantly. He chuckles as he takes her hand again and they head towards the giraffes, which brightens her up almost straight away. “Baba, look how tall they are! Like, I thought they’d be like, not that tall.”

Zayn snorts at her eloquence and snaps a load of photos of her on his iPhone because her little awed face is quite possibly the most precious thing he’s ever seen. She stares at them, baffled, until she decides she’s bored and then skips off towards the zebras without warning, leaving Zayn to awkwardly jog after her.

It carries on like this for a while; Raani getting super excited to see a new animal, staring at it in awe for all of five minutes and then running off to the next one without a word of warning, leaving Zayn to hurry after her again awkwardly. It’s clear she couldn’t care less about the birds or the lizards so she moves straight through those, meaning Zayn has to weave through people and apologise as his daughter just plummets through without a care other than getting to the big cats.

After the big cats, he buys her the promised nuggets and chips along with a small portion of chips just for him and they eat on a picnic bench nearby to the monkey cages, watching as they run around and screech. They make Raani laugh like nothing else has so far and Zayn can’t help but film her on his phone again, which makes her pout in embarrassment and push the phone away.

“Now then,” he scolds her. “If you break Baba’s iPhone then we’re going straight home, alright?”

“Sorry,” she mumbles, “but I don’t wanna be filmed, Baba, I wanna see the penguins!”

“Well then, eat your chips,” Zayn prods, shaking the polystyrene tray under her nose. “Don’t waste food, Rara.”

“I know,” she scowls, shoving a handful in her mouth messily. “Can you get me some more ketchup please?”

“Fine,” he sighs, going over to the big bottle on the stand by the vendor and squirting a little amount onto her tray. He goes back and they finish up, before throwing the empty trays away. He takes her to the loos and waits outside for her to wash her hands and then he holds it firmly as they walk off towards the water section.

“Are there polar bears in the zoo?” Raani wonders as they walk towards the entrance to the seal sanctuary. Zayn laughs.

“No, flower, not here,” he snorts with a shake of his head. “I don’t know if any zoos in England have them actually.”

“That’s stupid,” Raani frowns, “you can’t have penguins without polar bears, that’s really stupid.”

“Why is it stupid?” Zayn asks.

Raani looks up at him like he’s the stupid one. “Think about it, Baba. You _can’t_ have penguins without polar bears.”

Zayn is still very confused but he slaps himself on the forehead anyway. “Of course, how silly of me!”

Raani looks incredibly smug and Zayn makes a note to maybe google it when he gets home.

It’s around half three in the afternoon so the crowds are thinning out, so when they’ve gone through the seal sanctuary and they start towards the penguin enclosure Raani is squealing because even from a distance she can see that there is nobody else there. She yanks her head out of Zayn’s before he knows what’s happening and takes off towards it at a run. Zayn smiles as she goes because she’s in plain sight and there’s nobody else around for her to crash into or push out the way so he’s not too worried…

Until he watches her stumble, trip and fall face first onto the concrete floor almost in slow motion.

His breath hitches and he takes off at the run to catch up with her, dropping to his knees and wrapping her little crying body up in his arms and letting her sob into his chest.

“Baba,” she weeps, fisting her hand into his t-shirt. “Baba, it hurts!”

“I know, flower, I know,” he murmurs, kissing her hair and stroking up and down her back. “Are you bleeding?”

“Uh huh,” she nods, burying her snotty nose deeper into his chest but he gently coaxes her back and settles her against one arm so he can carefully straighten out her legs and examine her grazed knees. “Oh, flower…”

“Is everything alright?” a voice from above him asks. Zayn looks up, expecting almost to see another concerned dad but instead he sees a zoo worker, eyes wide and anxious. Raani shakes her head and whimpers as Zayn’s grip around her calf suddenly tightens because Zayn was absolutely not ready for what he sees as he looks into the man’s eyes.

He’s tall but he too drops down to his knees so they’re almost matched in height. He’s probably around Zayn’s own age and he’s wearing a green shirt tucked and belted into green trousers, but his thighs and biceps are bulging against the fabric, making him look almost _sinfully_ good. His hair is sheared short, there’s a little stubble across his chin and he is also quite possibly one of the most attractive people Zayn has ever seen in his life. Shit.

“She, er, she just tripped,” he tells the man – Liam, his nametag reads – who makes an odd noise of understanding before he pulls a packet of tissues out of his pocket. He pulls one out and hands it to Zayn, who nods and starts to mop at her tears.

“Baba, it hurts,” Raani whines again, whimpering as Zayn attends to her face rather than her knees. “I’m sorry, Baba, I didn’t mean to fall over. Please don’t shout at me in front of the man.”

Liam giggles a little before he holds his hand out. “Hey, love, what’s your name?”

“Raani,” she tells him, her face still scrunched up in pain as she shakes his hand (well, shakes two of his giant fingers).

“Hi, Raani, I’m Liam,” Liam says. “And your knees need washing so here’s what I’m gonna suggest. We ask your… Baba?” He says the word tentatively, like he’s testing it out on his tongue.

“It’s Urdu,” Zayn supplies quickly. “Just means dad but m’name’s Zayn.”

Liam smiles gratefully. “We ask your Baba here to carry you into my little office where I can wash your cuts and put plasters on you. I have Hello Kitty ones.”

Raani pulls her head out of Zayn’s chest rather fast at that. “Yeah?” she asks, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “Thank you, Leeyum.”

“No problem, love,” Liam says with a wide smile. He looks at Zayn as if to just double check and he nods, leaning down to lift Raani up properly. He follows Liam through into the little room tucked around to the side of the penguin enclosure and he sets her down onto the swivel chair while Liam carefully squeezes past them and digs around in one of the cupboards mounted on the walls. He emerges with two rolls of bandages, a bottle of antiseptic spray and the promised box of plasters and bends down in front of her. “Now then, what are we gonna do about these knees?”

Raani giggles a little at that. “That rhymed, Leeyum.”

“So it did,” Liam says thoughtfully, shooting her a smile. He crouches down in front of her and gently straightens her legs out, pulling a sympathetic face as she moans. “Okay Raani, this bit is gonna be the worst because it’ll sting, so do you wanna hold your Baba’s hand?”

“Yeah,” she says, reaching out for Zayn’s hand and squeezing it. She hisses as Liam spritzes her knees with the antiseptic spray and whimpers a little as he wipes off the worst of the blood with cotton wool.

“There,” Liam says as he tosses the cotton wool in the bin under his desk. “That wasn’t too bad, was it? You little soldier.”

She giggles again and Zayn is stunned because Raani once screamed bloody murder when she cut her head open by running head first into a dining chair and Louis had tried to clean her up then. She _hates_ people touching her, unless it’s Zayn and sometimes her uncles Lou and Niall (she’s still warming to Uncle Harry), so the fact that a stranger is mopping her up with very little fuss is a brand new experience.

“Can you tell me about the penguins?” Raani asks as Liam tugs a bandage out of its plastic wrapper and starts wrapping it around one of her bloody kneecaps. “Penguins are my favourite and the whole reason I made Baba bring me here.”

“Penguins are _the_ best animals in a zoo,” Liam tells her. “I love penguins so much I got a job where I can just watch them every day.”

“I want that job!” Raani says. “Baba, can I get the same job as Leeyum when I grow up?”

“If you want, flower,” Zayn snorts, ruffling her hair fondly. “Liam here can teach you.”

“Oh, no, I can’t have someone who could potentially love penguins more than me threatening my job,” Liam says in a fake-serious tone. “I mean, Raani here even has a t-shirt and I don’t think I can compete with that.”

“No, no, Leeyum, I won’t steal your job,” Raani shakes her head hurriedly. “I’m only five, I don’t think I can steal your job until I’m old.”

“Cheeky,” Zayn tells her, snorting out a laugh on his exhale. “How old do you think you need to be?”

“Well,” Raani says thoughtfully. “You’re twenty-three, right, Baba? So maybe if Leeyum is, maybe, twenty-five or thirty then maybe that’s how old I need to be.”

Zayn covers half his face with his hand and just laugh as Liam pouts dramatically. “Hey, I’m not that old, I will have you know. I’m only twenty-three too, like your Baba here.”

“Oh,” Raani says, scrunching her eyebrows. “Then why can’t Baba work in a zoo instead of a food shop?”

Zayn flushes at that without meaning to; it’s not that he’s embarrassed about working in a supermarket but it’s not the kind of thing he really wants complete strangers knowing because he knows people can make snap judgments, but…

“Because we need people to do both,” Liam says with a shrug. Instead of taping the bandage down with surgical tape, he uses one of the promised Hello Kitty plasters. “And I would be just _terrible_ at working in a supermarket.” He chucks the plaster ends in the bin and leans up to whisper in her ear. “I don’t like people but I really like penguins.”

Raani giggles and covers her mouth with both hands. “Leeyum, that’s rude! Baba says I can’t say I don’t like people.”

“Whoops, sorry Baba,” Liam says with a chuckle, looking up and wiggling his eyebrows at Zayn. “People are very nice, Raani.”

“And it’s wrong to tell lies,” she says sternly, pointing one of her short little fingers in his face. “Baba tells me that too.”

“And I would hate to go against your Baba,” Liam says, pretending to hang his head. Raani giggles and shakes her head.

“Uncle Loulou goes against Baba all the time, it’s fine,” she stage-whispers. She then stares up at her dad with big, innocent eyes. “Only sometimes though.”

Zayn raises his eyebrows at her. “Maybe I should stop letting Uncle Loulou babysit. _Don’t think_ I don’t know that he lets you get away with not eating your vegetables.”

“I _hate_ carrots,” Raani whines. “Do you hate carrots, Leeyum?”

“Carrots are very good for you,” Liam says solemnly. “Help you see in the dark, don’t they? I always eat my carrots.”

Zayn smiles down at him gratefully and Liam shoots him a little wink back, which _should not_ make his heart flutter. It’s only because he’s being nice to his child, dammit, if this was Harry or Niall he’d feel the same.

“Even if you don’t like them?” Raani asks incredulously.

Liam nods solemnly. “Even if I don’t think them. My mum phones me once a week to make sure I’m eating them.”

Zayn goes tense at the mention of a mum but Raani just shrugs, seemingly oblivious. “Will you do that for me?” she asks him, poking at his thigh. “Even though I don’t think I’m going to move out ever. Baba would be lonely without me,” she tells Liam.

Zayn sighs, pressing the heel of his hand into his forehead and grimacing over his daughter’s head. He hopes and prays that Liam isn’t going to pry, isn’t going to question where Mummy is or why Baba would be lonely. He doesn’t, thankfully, just focuses on wrapping up Raani’s knee before taping a second Hello Kitty plaster on.

“All done,” he beams, sitting back on his knees to admire his handiwork. “And I’ll tell you a secret; I didn’t want to leave my home either. Being an adult isn’t very fun. Stay a littlun forever.”

“I’ll try,” Raani tells him.

“What do you say to Liam, Rara?” Zayn croaks from above her, finally finding his voice.

“Thank you, Leeyum,” she says, holding her arms wide to give him a hug. He looks a little taken aback but he obliges, stroking one of his giant hands up and down her back as she tucks her face in his collar.

“No problem, Raani,” he says as he pulls back. He bops her on the nose gently. “Just be a little more careful next time, yeah?” He holds out her little finger for her to pinky promise with and Zayn’s heart thumps even harder against his ribcage.

“I will,” she says seriously, looping her tiny finger around his giant one. “Can I see the penguins now?”

Liam looks up at the clock above his desk and winces regretfully. “Oh, Raani, I am so sorry but the zoo closes in ten minutes.”

Raani’s mouth opens and she shakes her head wildly as more tears threaten to spill from her eyes. “But… but… the penguins…”

Zayn scrunches up his face and crouches down to her height, trying to wipe the tears away with his thumb. “Oh, babygirl, I’m so sorry, Rara, I’m so sorry. We’ll come again the next weekend I get off work, I promise; hell, I’ll take the day off work and we’ll come again.”

She wraps her pudgy little arms around his neck as she cries harder and he cuddles her, feeling like a terrible dad for sleeping in when Liam clears his throat above them.

“Um, look, it’s probably my fault this took so long because I kept chatting away but, like,” he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, “this might be, like, a little much but if you give them my name at the door, I’ll come and collect you and I’ll organise it so you can actually come in the enclosure with them. Would you like that?”

Raani stops crying almost straight away and yanks herself out of Zayn’s arms to stare at Liam, wiping her snotty nose on her jacket sleeve. “Really? Really really?”

“Really really,” Liam says. He looks at Zayn quickly. “I mean, um, if that’s okay with your Baba?”

“I…” Zayn starts, completely unsure of what to say because nobody is _ever_ this nice without a reason. But Raani looks pleading and Liam just shrugs sheepishly, a little smile playing on his lips. “Well, I mean, sure… I mean, if you can organise that without a problem?”

“It’s not a problem at all, mate, don’t worry,” Liam tells him, his face breaking into a wide grin that crinkles his eyes. “Yeah, if you just ask for Liam Payne at the entrance and ask them to call for me, I’ll put your name on the list. And free of charge, of course.”

“That would be sick, bro,” Zayn grins, opening his arms to accommodate a jumping Raani, who seems too excited to care about her knees anymore. “Thanks a lot.”

“Not a problem, Zayn,” Liam says. He just has enough time to open his arms for Raani to barrel into them as she chants her thanks over and over again and he smiles over her head at Zayn softly. “Not a problem at all.”

*

“Who’s Liam Payne?”

Zayn slams his laptop shut so hard he finds himself silently praying it hasn’t broken. He turns around to scowl at Louis, who has his arms crossed and an incredibly smug look on his face. “Just some guy.”

“Just some guy that you don’t wanna show your best mate?”

“Just some guy who we saw at the zoo yesterday and…”

“Oh, the zookeeper? The one who bandaged Raani’s knees and got her a VIP pass to the penguins?”

“My daughter is a filthy traitor,” Zayn groans, leaning back against the dining chair and letting his eyes drop closed. “He was nice, that’s all.”

“So you’re stalking his Facebook profile?” Louis smirks. “Was he drop dead handsome to boot?”

“Fuck off,” Zayn snaps. “He was nice and he was good-looking and he was nice to my daughter, forgive me for having a little out of reach fantasy too.”

Louis raises his eyebrows. “And?”

Zayn sighs. “Obviously not. His relationship status is hidden but his profile picture is his arms around a very beautiful girl, so. It’s whatever. It’s not like I talked to him for more than twenty minutes, or that he actually gave any indication that he was flirting, which, no, of course he wasn’t, he saw a little girl fall over and he wanted to make sure she was okay. Which is… fine. It’s fine. Because Raani is my main priority and I’m glad he was nice enough to do that. And why am I letting myself even think about dating in the first place, especially dating a _boy_ when I don’t have the time…”

“Zayn,” Louis interrupts, sliding into the seat opposite him. “Shut the fuck up.” Zayn glares at him. “Don’t look at me like that. If I hadn’t told you to shut up you would have gone on until you’d wound yourself right up into a depressed circle of bullshit.”

“S’not bullshit,” Zayn mumbles petulantly.

“It is bullshit,” Louis snaps back. “It’s not that you don’t have the time, or even that it’s a boy. It’s about _you_ and the fact that this little girl is the centre of your universe, which I understand, but she’s getting older and you’re getting more and more sexually frustrated. You’re lonely and it’s starting to show, mate.”

Zayn scowls again. “I don’t have time to be lonely. I have even less time to be lonely than I do to date, let’s be real here, Lou.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Shut up. Look at my mum. As much as it pains me to think about it, look at her here. Seven kids and she’s still found the time to get married twice since then, so shut up.”

“Yes, but your mother is also superwoman,” he argues, then rolls his eyes when Louis beams proudly. “With a son who is somehow earning a small fortune at the age of twenty-four to help. I work in Sainsbury’s and in a bar with the worst gay pun as its name in the history of Manchester.”

“Hey, I love that place,” Louis says indignantly. “The Prince Albert will always hold a dear place in my slutty gay heart. But aside from that, love, you need to stop being so sad about it because it is what it is.”

“Shut _up_ with that quote,” Zayn says with a snort. He starts twisting at one of the silver hoops in his ear, a nervous habit he has, so Louis narrows his eyes at him.

“There’s something else bothering you, isn’t there?”

Zayn sighs and twists his earring some more. “It’s just…”

He’s interrupted by the loud sound of cheering and then a “ha! Take that, Uncle Ni!” Zayn smiles as he hears Niall groan loudly as Raani continues to chant “ha ha, ha ha, I won, you lost!” and Louis peers back to look into the living room, snorting.

“She fully just destroyed him on Mario Kart. How embarrassing for the twenty-three year old with a driver’s license!”

“I heard that!”

“Good!” Louis yells back. He turns back to Zayn, who scrubs a hand across his face. “Are you gonna tell me or do I need to guess?”

Zayn sighs again. “So she starts school again in a week, yeah?” Louis nods. “I dunno, Lou, I keep… I need to tell her about Perrie but I don’t know when the right time is. I don’t want a kid in her class to make a comment and then her ask, I want to have told her first so she doesn’t feel embarrassed or like I’ve kept a secret, you know?”

Louis whistles. “Fuck,” he says. He puts a comforting hand on Zayn’s knee. “Yeah, that’s fair enough, I’d be shitting me pants.”

“Lou. Not helping.”

“Sorry,” Louis says quickly. “To be honest, it’s probably better you do it sooner rather than later. Like pulling off a plaster, yeah?”

Zayn runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I know, I know. I just, how the fuck do I tell her?”

Louis shrugs. “Like, she’s not dumb, is she? She must know something about it, or at least have an inkling.”

“Yeah, but she’d voice it, you know what she’s like,” Zayn says.

“True. Hmmmm,” Louis rubs his hands together worriedly. “Why don’t you just tell her tonight when we’ve gone? Like, if you tell yourself you’re gonna do it tonight then you don’t have any time to really think about it, do you?”

“I suppose,” Zayn says, huffing out a nervous breath. “I don’t know what I’ll say though.”

“Yeah, so do it tonight so you can’t think too much,” Louis says with a shrug. “I’ll stay behind and tell her with you if you want the support.”

Zayn shakes his head. “I think I need to do this without you. Sorry, Lou.”

“Don’t worry, I was expecting you to say that if I’m honest,” Louis says with a small laugh. “I better head anyway. I’ve got a meeting at ten and I need to print a fucktonne for it.”

“Fair enough,” Zayn says. He stands up and lets Louis pull him into a tight hug, relishing in the familiar and supportive embrace of his best friend. “Thanks Lou.”

“You know I’m here for you both forever and always,” Louis says, kissing his cheek as he pulls away. “Love you, bro.”

“You too,” Zayn croaks. Louis claps him on the shoulder as he slides past to unplug his phone from the wall behind him and Zayn goes into the living room, where Niall, Harry and Raani are still locked in a game of Mario Kart, with Niall’s girlfriend Jade sat on their sofa watching in amusement. “Rara, finish up this race and then teeth and PJs please.”

“Baba!” she whines, pausing the game and turning to pout at him. “But I’m winning! Uncle Harry sucks and Uncle Niall does too!”

“Hey!”

“You do both suck,” Jade points out. “You both drive real cars and you’re losing to a five year old.”

Raani beams proudly as she shoots a red shell into the back of Niall, who hastily turns the swear word he was about to spit out into a sneeze.

“I mean it, Rara,” Zayn says. “Last race, okay?”

“Urgh, fine,” she says, not turning around. Zayn snorts and crosses his arms, watching on as Raani completely creams his two best friends and then squeals as Niall starts tickling her to distract her.

“Loser, loser!” she yells in between giggles and Zayn laughs because at least she’s in a happy mood.

“Alright, flower, put Uncle Niall down,” he says with a shake of his head. “Say goodbye to everyone and then go clean your teeth.”

He waits until she’s gone around the group and had all her hugs and goodnight kisses before he turns to Niall, who’s shuffled onto the sofa next to Jade.

“Do you…” he sighs, “is it okay if I ask you guys to bugger off too? I’ve gotta have a chat with the little one.”

Niall looks confused but he nods, standing up and holding his hand out to take Jade’s. “Yeah, sure. Is it, like, is everything alright?”

Zayn snorts, resting his head on Louis’s shoulder. “Yeah, it’ll be fine. Just… the time has come for the mum chat, I think.”

Niall whistles. “Well then,” he says, stepping into his space and squeezing him into a hug. Zayn cuddles back gratefully. “Best of luck, pal. I don’t know how you’re so calm, bleeding hell.”

“ _Niall_ ,” Jade chastises, cuddling Zayn after she’s swatted her boyfriend out the way. “Let us know how it goes, yeah?”

“Yeah, will do,” Zayn mumbles into her shoulder. She pulls back and he goes to hug Harry, whose embrace is familiar and warm. His large hand strokes up Zayn’s back and he sinks into it. Harry presses a kiss into his hair.

“You’ll be fine, love,” he tells him. “There isn’t anything you can say that won’t make you anything other than the centre of her universe.”

“S’true,” Louis says, flinging his arms around the pair of them dramatically. “Let me join the cuddle, you greedy twats.”

“Shut up, Lou, you don’t need a cuddle,” Harry tells him. Zayn snorts into his chest but snakes his arm out to pull Louis in and then eventually the five of them are standing in the middle of Zayn’s shitty living room in a tangle of limbs.

“Baba?” a little voice from the doorway asks suddenly. Zayn worms his head out from where it was stuffed near Louis’s armpit and looks over to her.

“Yes, love?”

She’s wearing her favourite Tangled pyjamas and her hair is lying in loose tendrils over her shoulders. Zayn loves her so much he doesn’t know how to deal with it sometimes.

“Ready, Baba,” she tells him proudly. He smiles and pulls himself out of the hug and scoops her up, pressing a wet kiss into her cheek.

“Good job, flower,” he tells her. “Go wait in your room and I’ll be in in a minute.”

She nods, gives everyone a last little giggle and a wave and then scuttles off. Niall claps him on the shoulder.

“We’ll be off then,” he says. “Lots of love to you both.”

There’s a murmur around the room in agreement and with that and a final quick cuddle from Louis, it’s just him in the living room with butterflies in his stomach and a five year old girl calling his name.

“Baba!” she whines. “Baba, come read to me!”

He sighs, scrubs a hand over his face and goes into her room. He takes a careful seat on the bed and wraps an arm around her shoulders, pressing a long kiss into her hair. “Rara, I’m not gonna read to you tonight,” he says gently. She pouts and he mirrors it for a while until she slaps his arm.

“Why, Baba?”

“We need to have a little chat, flower,” he says. “Come here.” He pulls her into his lap and settles her against his chest. “It’s pretty serious but I want you to ask questions if you want to and I love you with my whole heart, okay, Rara?”

“Am I in trouble?” she asks worriedly, shoving her fingers into her mouth and slurping on them.

“No, flower,” he says gently. He looks down at her and she’s staring up at him with wide, earnest eyes. “Okay.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Okay, so usually kids have a Baba, like me, but they also have a mummy. So, for example, if Uncle Niall and Auntie Jade had a baby then Niall would be the Baba and Jade would be the mummy.”

She nods, staring at him interestedly.

“But you, Rara, you only have a Baba,” he says, gently twisting one of her curls around his finger. “You did have a mummy once but…” He takes another deep breath and looks away from her for a second, because he doesn’t talk about Perrie much out loud. “Your mummy loved you so much, flower. She was very beautiful, like you, and she was kind and happy and I loved her very much too.”

“Where did she go?” Raani asks in a small voice. He can’t work out if the twinge in her voice is sadness or curiosity or both.

Zayn swallows nervously. “She, um, there was an accident where she was badly hurt and her… her body stopped working, darling, and the doctors couldn’t make it better. It was very sad and I will miss her a lot… I do miss her a lot.”

“So where is she now?” Raani questions. That’s definitely curiosity.

“Well,” Zayn says slowly. “Once that happens to a person, you put them in a place called a graveyard, where you bury them with things that are very important to them and you put up a thing called a gravestone to remember them with.”

“How does a gravestone help you remember?”

“It tells people your name and when you were born and then when you, um, died,” Zayn says nervously, because he hasn’t used the D-word yet. “And hers has some roses on it too.”

“What was her name?” Raani says. She cuddles closer into Zayn’s chest and sticks her thumb in her mouth.

“She was called Perrie,” Zayn tells her. “Would you like to see a picture of her?”

Raani nods so he digs around for his phone in his pockets, unlocking it and scrolling through his photos until he finds one of the pair of them together. Perrie has her lips in a pout and her hips cocked, Zayn holding the phone out in front with his tongue out as he takes the selfie. It’s one of his favourite photos, taken about six months after Raani’s birth before they went out for the first time as a pair since and about four weeks before her death. It’s painful and harrowing and wonderful because Raani strokes a finger over the little picture, thumb still pressed into her mouth.

“She’s pretty,” she says, looking up at him. “I like her hair.”

“I loved her hair,” Zayn whispers, putting his phone on the bedside table and snuggling her close. “She was beautiful and when you’re older and you look like her you’re going to be even more beautiful.”

“Do you get sad about her still?”

Zayn nods. “Yes, darling.”

“Do I need to be sad?”

Zayn hesitates before he answers. “You don’t need to be anything. I don’t want you to be sad because I am still sad but I want you to know that you had a mummy who loved you so much and I want you to know that I love you enough for the both of us.”

“I love you, Baba,” Raani says. She slips her hand into his. “Can I go to see her gravestone one day?”

“Of course, darling,” Zayn says, squeezing her hand gently. “Anytime you wanna go, we can go.”

She nods, nuzzling her head into his chest. “And will I get another one?”

“Another what, flower?”

“Another mummy,” Raani says. She looks up at him. “Or is it too late to ask for one?”

Zayn laughs softly and shakes his head. “It doesn’t work like that, babygirl. I’m all you got for now anyway.”

She shakes her head back at him. “No.”

“No?”

“I got a Baba and an Uncle Loulou and a Uncle Harry and a Uncle Niall with an Auntie Jade and a Auntie Doni sometimes and Nana Trish and Abbu,” she says proudly, ticking them off on her fingers. “I don’t need a mummy.”

That stings but Zayn nods and kisses her hair again. “You do have lots of people who love you,” he smiles. “And who can blame them?”

She giggles and buries her face into his chest again. They chat for a little longer, Raani just saying things like if Baba is ever sad then he can come to her and that she’s excited to see the grave even though she’s still confused as to what it’s for, but that’s okay. There’s time.

Eventually he tucks her in after a long, long cuddle and many kisses pressed into her forehead. He flicks on her little nightlight and heads to bed himself, exhausted and not really feeling his ten o’clock shift in the morning. He drops both Louis and Niall a couple of texts about it but aside from that, there’s little he can do other than slide into bed and try not to think about how much he wants to wake up curled next to someone he loves as much as he loved Perrie.

He’s accepted that she’s not coming back now, but it doesn’t make it any less hard.

*

It’s a couple of days later when things change.

Zayn’s wearing a tight black t-shirt and tight black jeans with rips up and down the legs. His hair is slightly longer than he’s worn it for a while but he just hasn’t had the time to get it cut and he’s knackered after a long shift at the supermarket, but he’s working the nine until two shift at the Prince Albert tonight so he’s also chugging a Red Bull and shovelling down a round of cheese of toast at speed.

He cleans his teeth, fluffs his hair a final time and then pulls on a grey cardigan – something to keep him warm on the walk there and back. He knows he looks good like this, as smug as it sounds, but it’s worth putting a little extra effort into getting ready when he’s counting up his tips at the end of the night. He smirks at his reflection a little and then with a final spritz of cologne, he walks out of his room and into the living room.

He can hear Raani’s little laugh cackling wildly as he enters, which makes him smile automatically anyway but there’s something so warm and homely about seeing his daughter and two of his best friends curled up and watching TV together. He would love to snuggle in beside them and watch repeats of The Simpsons all night, but he needs to go so instead he clears his throat.

“Alright, I’m off,” he says with a fleeting wave. Raani quickly scrambles out of Harry’s lap and goes to give him a hug, so he scoops her up and kisses both her cheeks – their goodbye routine for as long as he can remember. She really is getting too big for this but Zayn doesn’t care, doesn’t want to stop, doesn’t want to so much as _think_ about her growing too big to do it at all.

“Night night, Baba,” Raani says. She wrinkles her nose. “You smell strong.”

“Thanks, flower,” he tells her, shaking his head so his earrings jingle. Louis snorts from where he’s sat on the sofa. Zayn shoots him a look but sets her down, watching her scamper back to Harry and snuggle back up under the blanket. “Bed after this episode, yes?”

“Baba!”

“I mean it,” he says, pointing his finger at her and then at Louis. “You have the doctors at ten and I don’t want you crabby.”

Louis snorts again and Zayn glares, tempted to flip him the finger but well aware enough of both his and Louis’s bad habits are rubbing off on her. “Yes, sir,” Louis says and Zayn gives him a huge fake smile before he grabs his keys and disappears out the door.

It’s only early September so it’s only a little bit chilly, which he’s thankful for. It’s about a half an hour walk so he’s dreading the winter, but Louis’s usually nice enough to let him borrow his car some nights. He plugs his headphones in and walks quickly, anyhow, arriving there just before his shift starts.

It’s a Thursday night, which tends to be student night in Manchester so it’s usually busy, but it’s still summer so he doesn’t think it’ll be as heavy a night as it usually is. He heads into the break room, greets his co-workers and cracks a few laughs before they set to work stocking the bar, making sure the cocktail instruments are clean and the taps all work.

Doors open at half ten so that’s when the punters start flocking in and within twenty minutes the bar is packed, Zayn serving drinks and then immediately moving over to another customer. He barely has time to look at customers enough to do much more than recognise them enough to serve them their drinks, so he hurries around and serves them hurriedly, slipping in the occasional wink to a hot guy on his own or a girl who looks like she’s simply here with a friend.

One of the kegs runs out so he takes a second to haul it into the backroom, shouting into the basement to another of the workers down there that they need another one when he turns back out and sees a face at the bar that makes him (rather ungracefully) freeze.

Liam is _of course_ here, at his place of work, with his arm around the shoulders of the same beautiful girl that Zayn recognises from his bloody stalk of his bloody Facebook profile. He has no idea what the fuck he’s doing here with his girlfriend but he’s not going to question or judge and he needs to stop being a knob and get back to work. He sighs, hurriedly composes himself and slides back into his previous position, taking the order of the people next to them.

He watches out of the side of his eye as Liam squints, looks surprised and then reaches out to touch his wrist. “Zayn? Is that you?”

“Hey, Liam,” Zayn smiles back as he pours two double vodka cokes.

“Didn’t think I’d see you here,” Liam says loudly over the thumping bass. “How are things? How’s Raani?”

Zayn hands over the drinks and holds up his finger to tell Liam to pause for a second so he can slide over to the till and put the money in. He shuffles back over and leans across the bar so they don’t have to shout as loud. “We’re both doing good, cheers. What can I get you both?”

“Ummm,” Liam looks at the girl, who leans over to him and requests two martinis. Zayn nods, not wanting to laugh at Liam for drinking a martini but failing. “And two beers, Budweiser if you have it!” he hears Liam tack on the end, so he finishes off mixing the cocktails and hands them over before he ducks down to grab the two bottles of beer out of the little fridge behind him. He uncaps them and hands them both over, but Liam pushes one back towards him. “For you!” he shouts. “You look like you could use it!”

Zayn raises his eyebrows but reluctantly smiles as he takes a swig, because he really did need it, damn Liam. He shouts the price over to Liam and holds out his hand, just in time for another equally beautiful girl to slide up to his side and wrap an arm around the first girl’s waist and press a kiss into her neck.

He tries not to look startled but Liam seems unfazed, handing over a debit card with a sheepish shrug. Zayn disappears to locate the card machine and by the time he’s back, Liam is leaning over the corner of the bar as the two girls giggle and press light kisses into each other’s mouths. Once Liam notices Zayn’s return though he brightens up, rolling his eyes dramatically.

“Third wheel,” he sighs as he points his thumb in the direction of the couple. “They’re both insatiable. They claim they wanna help me pull but they’re too busy snogging to wingman me.”

“Hey,” the first girl claims, slapping his shoulder lightly. “We will wingman you, but I’m just saying hello.”

“She went to the loo,” Liam says. He turns back to Zayn and accepts the card reader from him, punching in his pin number. “This is Sophia, by the way. She’s apparently my best friend.”

“Hey!”

“She is, she _is_ my best friend,” Liam laughs, gently pushing her slapping hands away. “And this is her girlfriend Eleanor. Guys, this is Zayn.”

Eleanor waves while she continues to cuddle into Sophia’s side, but Sophia’s eyebrows shoot up and she smirks at Liam, whose cheeks flush pink. Zayn waves and is tempted to question the exchange but it’s clear the people to Liam’s other side are getting impatient so he shouts “hey, I’ll talk to you later, Liam!” before serving the bored looking girl.

Sophia and Eleanor disappear off after a while and Zayn tries not to focus in on Liam standing alone at the corner of the bar, drinking his beer slowly and watching him (is he watching him or is he just hopeful and ridiculously pining ever so slightly?) so he serves drinks and tries not to think about how much he wants to get off his feet as the crowds finally die down towards midnight as people start moving on or most have congregated on the dancefloor.

“Are you not bored?” he shouts over towards him after a while as he walks down the bar to collect all the abandoned shot glasses. Liam shrugs, a blush joining the shy smile on his face.

“Not really,” he calls back. “Those two won’t miss me too much and it’s kinda nice to just come out and have a little drink on my own, you know?”

“Yeah?” Zayn asks curiously, grabbing a cloth and wiping over the sticky bar top. “Don’t think it would really be my thing to be honest, but whatever makes you happy, pal!”

Liam’s beam is blinding and then says something back that Zayn can’t hear over the bass. He holds a finger up to Liam to ask him to wait while he serves a couple more girls their drinks, then winks them off before ducking back to Liam.

“You a smoker?” Liam hesitates but nods. Zayn narrows his eyes curiously, a little smile gracing his lips. “Are you really a smoker?” Liam digs into his pocket and pulls out a packet of Lambert & Butler, raising his eyebrows. Zayn beams. “Meet me in the smoking area in five? I’ll take my break so we can chat where I can hear you.”

Liam nods and then disappears off, giving Zayn the opportunity to wash his hands and call down to his fellow workers that he’s going for a smoke, which they wave their agreement to. He heads to his locker where he grabs his smokes (he only does it when he’s at work or when he’s particularly stressed – he would never do it around his daughter) and his phone then heads out the back door.

Liam is already there, leaning against the wall and dragging on a cigarette, the tip burning red with every inhale. It’s only under the bright lights built in around the smoking area that he can see what Liam is wearing, a sinful denim shirt over a white undershirt with dark jeans and chunky boots. He looks all man and Zayn swallows nervously because he’s more attractive than he remembers and he cannot and _will_ not develop a stupid crush.

Once Liam sees him, his eyes light up (or is it just the artificial lights? Get a grip, Malik) and he waves Zayn over. Zayn goes, pulling a cigarette out of the packet and sticking it between his lips as he does.

“Hi,” Liam says shyly, handing over a lighter before Zayn needs to fumble for his own. “This is nicer. Better.”

Zayn grins around the filter. “Quieter, that’s for sure.” He exhales a long stream of smoke and takes a long sigh. “God, I needed that.”

“How long are you working today?” Liam asks.

“Until two, so not horrendous,” Zayn says, though he grimaces as he says it. “Sometimes it’s until five which is the worst.”

“God, I’ll bet,” Liam says with wide eyes. “So, um, where is, um..?”

“Where’s Raani?” Zayn says. “She’s at home. My best mate and his boyfriend usually watch her and then they sleep on the sofa if I’m working a long one.”

Liam nods, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other. “Sound like good friends.”

“The very best,” Zayn says fondly. “Couldn’t do what I do without ‘em.”

Liam nods, stubbing out his fag against the wall and then reaching for another one. “How old is she, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Zayn shakes his head. “She just turned five a few weeks ago. August the twenty-ninth.”

Liam brightens. “That’s my birthday too, no way!”

Zayn grins. “She’ll love that, you should tell her that when we come back.”

“You are coming back then?” Liam asks almost shyly. “I was worried I sounded like a right creep asking that.”

“What? No, god, she was so happy, mate, thanks so much,” Zayn says earnestly. “I mean, if it’s not putting you out or anything.”

“Oh, god, no,” Liam shakes his head. “Honestly, it’s dead cool. Are her knees okay now?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Zayn nods. “She was more upset about the penguins than her knees, honestly.”

“That’s good,” Liam grins. “I did feel awful about it all, you know. I’ve been on at the zoo to get the uneven flooring in there sorted for bloody ages.”

Zayn snorts. “Want me to be the angry dad that complains and demands something be done immediately?”

Liam shakes his head. “Probably won’t make a difference. Sophia has had people been complaining for ages that her enclosure is too small but they won’t do anything.”

“Oh, does she work at the zoo too?”

“Yeah, she’s the elephant keeper,” Liam nods. “We met in secondary school though. Bonded over a love for animals, ended up going to uni together.”

“And she met her girlfriend here of all places?” Zayn asks teasingly.

“I know right,” Liam says with a matching grin. “Can’t wait for their wedding day when I do my speech and announce that they met in some dingy bar in Manchester, especially as Soph’s family are quite well-to-do and they think she met her through me.”

Zayn pouts indignantly. “How dare you be so rude about my beautiful place of work?”

Liam looks terrified for a split second, like he’s worried that Zayn is genuinely offended until they both snort out laughs. Zayn takes a final drag of his cigarette, drops it to the floor and stubs it out with his toe.

“Malik!” a voice calls from the doorway. Zayn turns to see Josh, one of his co-workers. “Second heavy wave, we need all hands on deck. Say goodnight to your boyfriend and get your arse in here!”

Zayn winces as he turns around, flipping Josh off behind him. It only occurs to him just then that just because Liam is in a gay bar doesn’t mean he’s gay at all, and also single dad doesn’t exactly scream available male in the first place.

Liam’s cheeks are equally pink and he offers him a sheepish smile, shrugging his shoulders. “I guess I’ll, er, see you at the zoo then?”

Zayn nods. “Yeah, sorry we’ve gotta cut this short man,” he says, because he is. Even if he is straight, he seems like a nice guy and it’s always made Zayn feel a little better getting to know the other adults in Raani’s life, even if it is just going to be a day.

“Me too,” Liam says with a lot more earnest in his tone than Zayn was quite prepared for. “I guess I’ll go back to third wheeling.”

“Life’s too short to feel obliged to stay, you know,” Zayn says, holding the heavy door open for Liam to head through first. “If you’d rather go home and sleep, no one is blaming you.”

“Sophia would,” Liam grins. “Anyway, I’ll see you next weekend, I guess.” He offers Zayn a final fleeting wave and then disappears back into the throng of people. With a heavier heart than he’d care to admit to, Zayn heads back to the bar and starts serving drinks again.

When he trudges home that night, getting in just before half two, he finds Harry fast asleep with his head in Louis’s lap while Louis watches some late night teleshopping thing while simultaneously playing a game on his iPhone. He tosses his keys into the basket and heads through, plopping down onto the sofa opposite the pair and yanking off his shoes with a dramatic sigh. He opens his mouth to greet Louis but he’s interrupted by Harry letting out a huge, loud snore that makes both him and Louis cackle.

“If he didn’t have such a magical cock and I wasn’t quite so fond of him for some inexplicable reason, I would have turfed him out months ago,” Louis says with an eye roll. He pets Harry’s hair. “Honestly, it’s like sharing a bed with a human building site.”

Zayn snorts. “The last of the romantics, you are not,” he says, wrinkling his nose. “How was she?”

“Fine,” Louis says, locking his phone and carefully sliding it into Harry’s pocket. “She was asleep by nine with only minimal fuss. How was your shift?”

“Alright,” Zayn shrugs. “Wasn’t as busy as usual because the students aren’t back yet but it was still pretty packed.” He coughs awkwardly. “Saw Liam from the zoo.”

Louis’s eyebrows shoot up. “Sexy Liam?”

“Don’t call him that,” Zayn whines. “He’s not that sexy.”

“Bullshit, Harry and I stalked his Facebook profile when we got back to mine,” Louis says gleefully. “Zaynie’s in love.”

“He might not even be gay, leave me alone.”

“What was he doing in a gay bar then?”

“He was with his best mate – the girl from his profile photo – and her girlfriend. Said they were wingmanning him but they disappeared pretty early on.”

“Ah, a happy third wheel,” Louis says. “And you just answered your own question, you idiot. Why would they be wingmanning him in a gay bar if he wasn’t interested in guys?”

Zayn sighs. “True, but I did mean it, Lou. I don’t have time for stupid crushes on pretty zookeepers, no matter how pretty. Especially ones I’m probably not going to see again after next weekend.”

Louis rolls his eyes but doesn’t press. “Whatever, darling. I’m gonna head anyway, get this one to a bed or it’ll be hell on his back in the morning.” Zayn nods and Louis runs a hand through Harry’s hair to wake him up slowly. “Love?”

“Wassit?” Harry mumbles, taking a deep breath and rolling his face into Louis’s tummy. Zayn grins fondly and stands up, walking down to his room to flick the light on and drop his shoes in his wardrobe before he goes down the hallway to check on Raani.

She’s fast asleep of course, two fingers wedged in her mouth and one of her little arms wrapped around her favourite stuffed penguin. Zayn pushes open the door and presses a gentle kiss onto her forehead before he shuts the door again, heading back through into the living room.

Harry’s resting his head on Louis’s shoulder as Louis packs his laptop into his bag. He slides his hand into Harry’s and turns to bid Zayn goodbye.

“See you on Sunday, yeah?”

Zayn nods, pulling them both in for an awkward three person hug. He presses a kiss into Louis’s forehead and Harry’s cheek and then shoos them out the door, securing the double lock after them and then hurrying to his bedroom to collapse into bed.

If he thinks a little too much about kind eyes and strong muscles and sinful lips all over him, well, that’s strictly between him and his hand.

*

Raani starts school again the next week so Zayn finds himself waking up an hour earlier than he usually would to make sure she’s dressed and ready for school, making her sandwiches in his pyjamas and then rushing to get ready before his shift at Sainsbury’s. Luckily his boss is understanding enough to let him work the half eight to half two shift, meaning he can drop Raani at breakfast club and then be done with work in time to pick her up from school at three. It works.

His boss at the club is less eager to adapt his shifts around school hours but with the promise from Louis to be able to still be able to help, he manages to wrangle doing the shifts on Thursday, Friday and Saturday until late, meaning he has less stress about getting Raani up in the mornings and to school.

Still, a promise is a promise so Zayn finds himself drinking three cups of coffee on Saturday morning while an over-excited Raani sings a song about penguins and chatters non-stop about how excited she is to finally spend time with them. Zayn could really do with another couple of hours of sleep but Raani had climbed into his bed at nine am, beaming like it was Christmas morning and he could tell she had tried to hold off for as long as she could so after a few minutes of sleepy cuddles, he let her drag him out of bed to make her eggy bread and help plait her hair.

Dressed in her penguin t-shirt and full up on her treaty breakfast, Raani follows Zayn into the car and once again they sing happily along to Disney songs on the twenty minute drive there. Once they get there, Zayn takes her hand and leads her inside, clearing his throat awkwardly as they approach the ticket barrier.

“One adult, one under seven?” the lady behind the booth asks. Zayn shakes his head.

“Actually, um, we’re here to see someone, one of the zookeepers, and he said we could come in free of charge?” He can feel himself blushing and he instinctively tugs Raani a little closer. The girl, however, shrugs and picks up her desk phone.

“Oh, okay. Which member of staff?”

“Leeyum!” Raani shouts up excitedly. “Leeyum in charge of the penguins.”

The girl grins down and dials in a few numbers. “Hi, Li? Yeah, you’ve got a very excited little girl and her… dad?” She phrases it as a question, no judgment in her tone, but it still makes Zayn feel a little uneasy. He just nods. “Dad.” There’s a pause. “Brilliant, see you in two!” She lets up the barrier and ushers the pair of them through. “Liam will be here in about five minutes. You excited?”

“So excited!” Raani says, jumping up and down. “I love the penguins but I didn’t see them last time because I got hurt but Leeyum said he would show them properly now!”

“He does love penguins,” the girl says with a beam. “You’re in good hands, I can promise you that.”

Zayn grins, murmurs a thank you and then jogs after his escaping daughter into the gift shop.

Liam finds them a few minutes later, while Zayn is explaining to a pouting Raani that he is not going to buy her a ceramic penguin for fifteen quid. He feels a hand on his shoulder and jumps a little, but then realises it’s Liam. Seconds later, the ugly ceramic figure is forgotten as Raani ploughs into an unsuspecting Liam’s arms, wrapping her own around his waist.

“Leeyum!” she squeals and Liam crouches and hugs her back.

“Hey there,” he says, ruffling her hair as he pulls back. “I see you wore the top again, very good. I hope I don’t get you confused with a penguin and accidentally shut you in there though!”

She giggles into her hand. “You wouldn’t, Leeyum!”

“I mean, I probably won’t,” Liam chuckles along with her. “For a start, I think your baba would have words with me about it. Also, I think I’m clever to recognise you from a real penguin now.” He turns to Zayn. “How are you doing, Zayn?”

“Not too bad, thanks,” Zayn says with a soft smile. “Worked an eight hour shift so I’m a little tired but aside from that, not bad.”

“Oh, man,” Liam says, eyes wide. “How late were you up until?”

“Five, got in just before six because we had to do a big clean up,” Zayn yawns. “Couldn’t miss penguin day though, what kind of a father would that make me?”

“I’m glad you could make it, anyway,” Liam says, his cheeks colouring slightly. Zayn grins and stuffs his hands in the pockets of his jeans then follows Liam and Raani through the zoo, Raani walking ahead with Liam with her little hand in his as she chats a mile a minute about god knows what.

Zayn hangs back and watches their exchanges carefully. Raani is rarely this openly trusting of anyone upon first meeting them – it took a good three months before she’d even sit in Harry’s lap, let alone choose to voluntarily. He walks a few paces behind them for the whole walk to the penguin enclosure then follows Liam and Raani into the little room from before.

“Right, now, first things first I need to ask a favour of your Baba,” Liam says, going over to the small desk in the centre and pulling out some forms. “I’m obviously not going to let her past a certain point but just in case.”

“Yeah, okay,” Zayn says, stepping forward. “So what are you going to do?”

“Well,” Liam says, handing Zayn a pen. He scratches nervously at the back of his head. “I thought Raani might like to feed the penguins?”

Raani gasps. “Really?”

Liam nods. “Yeah, what I do is I get a bucket of fish and then I chuck them out slowly. Do you want to help me?”

Raani nods so eagerly she almost hits herself in the eye with one of her plaits. Liam beams and nods back. “Is that okay, Baba?”

Zayn nods sceptically. “How close will she be to the water?”

“Oh, not close at all,” Liam says quickly. “I’ll stand us against the back wall, make sure we’re nowhere near.”

Zayn narrows his eyes. “And are penguins, like, dangerous?”

Liam grins in great amusement. “No, they’re not. It’s lunch time so they’re just hungry right now, so once we throw fish for them then they’ll eat that then hobble back into the water. I just thought it might be a little fun to get a little bit closer.”

“Please, Baba, please!” Raani chants, bouncing on her heels. “I’ll be safe, I promise!”

“Yes, okay,” Zayn groans, hand rubbing at the back of Raani’s neck. “I’ll just watch though, I think.”

“Perfect,” Liam says brightly. He gestures to the door and then leads them round past the main window of the enclosure, stopping for a second to tell Raani the names, genders and relationships of all of them before they go through a door that leads to a corridor behind it.

In there, Liam makes Raani wash her hands then he disappears for a few moments, returning with a bucket of dead fish. It absolutely stinks and Zayn wrinkles his nose in disgust but Raani just giggles. “They _stink,_ Leeyum!”

“You’ll get used to it soon,” Liam says cheerily. “Right, Raani, can you ask your Baba to grab some of those shoe covers from the table over there so we don’t ruin your shoes?” Zayn glares at him as he walks past, the smell making him feel a little sick. He picks up a pair of the shoe covers in the smallest size and bends down to snap them over Raani’s shoes, helping her hobble towards the door that presumably takes them to behind the enclosure, on the far side from the pool.

There’s a tiny window about six feet from the door so Zayn crouches down and watches through there as Liam instructs her with words he can’t hear, then carefully tosses a fish towards where a cluster of penguins have started waddling towards them. He watches Raani giggle and then chuck one of her own, clapping her hands excitedly as it’s snatched up and gulped down.

Feeding time lasts about twenty-five minutes and in that time he watches Raani chuck numerous fish towards the penguins then giggle and clap every time they’re snatched up. When the bucket is empty, Liam carefully tucks it into the crook of his elbow then directs Raani out of there, careful not to touch her with his fishy hands.

“Baba!” she shrieks as they step back inside. “Baba, that was so cool!”

“It looked it,” Zayn snorts. “Wash your hands please, Rara.”

Liam points over to the sinks and Raani trudges over there, Zayn following so he can make sure she uses plenty of soap. She still smells of fish when she hugs him after but he thinks he can let that slide for now because her grin is dazzling.

“This is definitely what I want to do when I grow up,” she tells him as she pulls away. “It was the coolest job ever!”

“Thank you very much, my glamorous assistant,” Liam says, returning from where he was rinsing out the fish bucket. Raani giggles and offers her hand for a high five, which he gladly returns.

“I wanna do it again!” she shouts enthusiastically. “Can I come back and do it again? Please, Baba?”

“It’s not up to me, flower, it’s up to Liam,” Zayn says, because he’s only human and doesn’t want to tell her no. She looks over to Liam expectantly and juts her bottom lip out.

Liam flounders. “Well, I mean… like, I can do it sometimes but, like, I can’t get you in for free every time, I mean…”

“But I can do it again, Leeyum?” Raani questions, eyes wide. Zayn cringes as Liam looks a little lost.

Liam sighs. “If… if your Baba is okay with it then next time you come to the zoo I can pull the same strings, I guess. But I honestly can’t get you in for free each time, I’m so sorry, Zayn.”

“Hey, Liam, chill, I wouldn’t expect you to,” Zayn reassures. “But hey, Rara, say thank you for today please.”

“Thank you, Leeyum,” Raani says in a little voice. “I had a really nice time.”

“So did I,” Liam says, “It’s really great to have a partner who loves penguins like I do.”

“So I can come back?” Raani asks again. Zayn sighs and ducks down to her height.

“I’ll see what I can do, flower, but you know I have work sometimes. It might not always be practical to come.”

“Well, the zoo is open a little later on weekdays,” Liam says. Zayn thinks he sounds almost hopeful but he squashes that down. “And you’re always welcome, of course.”

“Thank you, Leeyum,” Raani says again. “Where is the toilet please?”

“Want me to come with you?” Zayn asks as Liam points to a door a few metres down the hallway. Raani shakes her head.

“I can go on my own now, Baba, I’m a big girl,” she insists and then walks off, sighing dramatically. Liam snorts.

“You’re got a top kid there.”

“I know,” Zayn grins. “And thank you so much again for doing this. She’s absolutely over the moon.”

“It’s no trouble, honestly,” Liam promises. He sticks his hands in his pockets. “What are you going to do now then? Go and see some more animals?”

Zayn coughs. “So, um, I was thinking, um, I was going to take Raani to Pizza Hut or something, make the most of my day off and that. You’re, er, you’re welcome to join if you’d like.”

Liam’s face lights up like a lamp. “Seriously? You’d want to spend more time with me?”

Zayn nods. “Of course. Raani’s already decided you’re her best friend for life so, yeah, course.”

“Yeah, I mean, I’d love that! I’m, er, my shift doesn’t finish for, like, another hour though, so, er…”

“Oh, no worries,” Zayn shakes his head. “Like I’m going to be allowed to leave the zoo yet. You take your time.”

Liam beams. “Shall I, er, text you or something when I’m done? I’ll grab a shower too so I’ll be maybe an hour and a half max.”

“Sound brill,” Zayn says, smiling as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. Raani returns then and tucks one of her hands into the belt loop of Zayn’s jeans.

“Brill indeed,” Liam echoes. “I guess I’ll see you guys in a bit then?”

Zayn’s not sure when dinner turned into going to the zoo as a regular thing after that. All he knows is that he doesn’t want to forget how happy Raani was when she was spending her afternoon with the penguins and then Liam after that so he phones his mum and after a little pleading and guilt-tripping, she transfers him the money to cover a parent/child pass for a year (helped on again by his fake student ID, bless Louis).

And so it just becomes a thing that they do. If it’s Zayn picking Raani up from school, he takes her to the zoo for a bit. If he has the day off on weekends, they go to the zoo for a bit. Liam’s almost always there so Raani gets to feed the penguins. Zayn knows he must be risking trouble to do it and he almost wants to tell Liam to stop but Raani’s bright smile and happy giggles hold him back.

September rolls into October and October rolls into November and Zayn and Raani find themselves seeing Liam more and more. There are less people in the zoo now it’s colder so Liam often makes them coffee or hot Ribena and they just chat for a while, watching the penguins through a little window in his office. Sometimes they go for meals or bowling afterwards and soon Zayn starts considering Liam a good friend, which surprises himself because he hasn’t made many of them since Raani came around. It’s nice.

Sometimes Louis and Harry tag along to the zoo with them, sometimes also bringing Niall and Jade along. They all seem to like Liam a lot and tease Zayn mercilessly about how him and Liam apparently look at each other, ribbing him silly about how he’s clearly completely gone for him and how it’s almost pathetic.

The day Zayn gets called into Raani’s school for a meeting is the day he finally accepts that he might have developed a stupid little crush on him.

Louis had dropped Raani off home in tears the day before, saying some boys had pushed her friend over and she had stood up for them so they had called her a string of nasty names. A fuming Zayn had held her through the tears while Louis answered his ringing phone and said the school wanted to talk to the parents about it tomorrow.

He’s at work until three and the meeting is at quarter past three, but as he’s leaving the shop his manager catches him and starts chatting his ear off about working extra shifts over Christmas, so by the time he gets to the school he’s twenty minutes late. He parks up and hurries into the building, asking the receptionist for directions to the headmistress’s office.

He sees the parents of two of Raani’s friends on the walk down, so he smiles and waves at them politely. One of them, a plump middle-aged lady called Nicola, stops to talk to him briefly.

“Hi, Zayn, love, how are you keeping?”

“Well, thank you,” he tells her. “Look, I’m so sorry, Nicola but I’m late for a meeting with the head because I got held up at work but I’ll talk to you soon?”

“Of course,” she says brightly. “We must have Raani over for tea again sometime soon!”

“She’d love that!” Zayn calls after her before he disappears around the corner. He can see Raani in a classroom across the hall and he contemplates waving but then realises just how late he is so knocks on the door tentatively before he opens it slowly.

“Hi, I’m so sorry that I’m late…” he starts, pausing as the headmistress shoots him a disapproving look.

“Mr. Malik?” Zayn nods. “I’m sorry, I asked to speak with Raani’s dad, not an older brother.”

Zayn coughs awkwardly. “I, er, I am Raani’s dad.”

Her eyebrows shoot right up. “Oh, oh right. Well, yes, sit down please, Mr. Malik.”

“Zayn,” he mumbles. “Please call me Zayn.”

“Mmmm,” the headmistress says. “Well, Zayn, I called you in here today because I want to discuss your daughter’s behaviour.”

“Oh?” Zayn says questioningly. “I thought this was about her being pushed over yesterday because she came home, like, distraught.”

“Did Raani tell you she pushed the boys back?” the headmistress asks in a tight voice. “Because the school has a zero tolerance policy on violence and we need to make sure we’re reinforcing this from an early age.”

“She told me that she and her friends were pushed first,” Zayn says defensively. “Raani wouldn’t ever lash out at someone without at least thinking there was some kind of a good intention behind it.”

“Yes, well,” the headmistress says. “As it’s the first time we’ve seen Raani do anything of this nature, we will let it slide with a simple warning for next time. But I just wanted to speak with the parents, make sure nothing of this nature is likely to happen again.”

“Oh, it absolutely won’t,” Zayn assures. “I’ll speak to her when we get home and tell her to, I don’t know, get a teacher next time instead. She’s a good kid though, I’m sure she didn’t mean to cause anyone any harm.”

“Mmmm,” the headmistress says again. “Well, yes, please do speak with her.”

“I mean,” Zayn coughs nervously. “She’s not usually trouble, is she? The school haven’t contacted me about it before.”

The headmistress peers at him over the top of her glasses. “She hasn’t been called in to see me before but I have had a few things from her teachers. Things about her being cheeky and answering back on occasion.”

“Isn’t that just typical five year old behaviour though?” Zayn says indignantly. “She’s just sure of what she wants a lot of the time.”

“Yes, well,” the headmistress says again. “Thank you for your time anyway, Mr. Malik. I would like to discuss this further, but unfortunately I need to go and supervise home time. Perhaps you could not be late next time.”

“Hey,” Zayn crows. “I’m sorry I was late but I was held up at work. It was beyond my control, but I’m sorry.”

“I’m just not used to parents being late, that’s all,” the headmistress says dryly. “I’m sorry you were at work but when I spoke to you on the phone yesterday you said you could make it.”

“Well, it won’t happen again,” Zayn assures, trying to keep the annoyance out of his tone. “And unfortunately it wasn’t me on the phone yesterday, it was my best mate. I was too busy wiping the tears of my mortified, upset daughter.”

“Once again, I am sorry,” the headmistress says, shrugging and not sounding very sorry at all. “It was nice to meet you at last anyway. I’ve only ever met your ‘best mates,’” she air-quotes and it feels cold and snide and not nice to meet her at all. “Hopefully her behaviour will improve with time. It’s not uncommon for kids who don’t see their parents very often because of work to lash out a little, don’t worry.”

“Excuse me?” Zayn says, completely shocked. “She didn’t lash out, she defended herself. She’s a good kid and me not seeing her enough has nothing to do with that, thank you very much.”

“I’m not saying you don’t, but what with there not being a mother figure around it doesn’t help…”

“You know that can’t be helped,” Zayn says coldly, eyes narrowing. “Her mum died, it isn’t like she split on us.”

“Either way,” the headmistress says, standing up and pushing her chair in. “I just wanted you aware of the issue at hand. Zero tolerance for violence is what I wanted to stress to the parents, _even_ if you insist they won’t do it again,” she continues, cutting off Zayn’s interruption. “Good day, Mr. Malik.”

Zayn’s entire body is near trembling as he reluctantly shakes her outstretched hand and then follows her out of her office. Raani is now waiting on one of the chairs situated outside and she waves happily when she sees Zayn emerge. “Baba!”

“Hello, babygirl,” he says, hurrying over and crouching down onto his knees to engulf her into a tight hug. She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses his cheek unquestioningly, so he takes a few moments to just take in her familiar, homely scent and relish in a much-needed hug from his favourite person on earth. “Missed you.”

“Missed you too, Baba,” she says, pulling away so she can kiss his other cheek. “Are you done?” Zayn nods. He notices over his shoulder that the head teacher is watching the exchange with raised eyebrows before she simply shrugs and then shuffles away without saying anything, which for some reason makes him feel ten times worse. He could really do with a cigarette, a shot and a hug but then his mind settles on one thing and he mentally freezes before he catches himself, then just bites the bullet.

“Wanna go to the zoo?” he croaks eventually, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “See the penguins and Liam?”

“Yes please, Baba,” she beams, seemingly oblivious to what just went on. He kisses her forehead then stands himself back up, taking her hand and leading her to the car park where he gets into the car and drives them to the zoo.

Zayn knocks on the door of Liam’s shack when they get there to say hello as Raani presses her face against the glass and laughs as the penguins splash across the water, diving down and then jumping back onto the land. Liam opens the door with a beaming smile but it falters when he sees Zayn’s still tight face.

“What’s up?” he asks, slipping out the door and placing a tentative hand on his shoulder. Zayn sighs.

“Just…” He scrubs his fringe out of his eyes. “Raani’s head teacher called me in. Said she was causing trouble when really she was just sticking up for herself from what I can tell. I said I’d talk to her and then she…” He pauses to take a deep breath and Liam’s grip on him tightens a little. “She went on to ask if things were okay at home because she’d only met Niall or Lou because I’ve only been able to pick her up, like, twice this term. Made me feel like a shit dad, I dunno.”

“You are _not_ a shit dad,” Liam says loudly and very adamantly. He then slaps a hand over his mouth as Raani turns around and shouts at him for swearing. “You are not a shit dad,” he repeats. “Not even a little bit.”

Zayn sighs. “I just feel… like, I need to be there a little more but I can’t, like, I can’t stop either of my jobs even though I’d love to because then I wouldn’t be able to make rent. It’s just…”

“Hey, hey,” Liam cuts in gently. “You’re honestly one of the best parents I know. Honestly, both of my sisters are mums and I swear their kids aren’t half as fond of them as Raani is of you. Promise. Though if you ever meet them don’t you dare tell them I said that, I’d be banned from the house.”

Zayn presses down the stupid, involuntary flutter his heart makes at the implication that he’ll ever meet Liam’s family and just leans back onto Liam’s chest. “Thank you,” he murmurs after a pause. “It’s… I _know_ I’m not a bad dad – I think I’ve done a bloody good job for a bloke who became a dad at eighteen, to be fair – but, like, sometimes I need the reminder. Selfish, isn’t it?”

“Not at all,” Liam reassures. His hand smooths down Zayn’s arm lightly but it makes Zayn feel a hundred times better (for stupid reasons he stupidly doesn’t want to think about). “Sometimes we need to hear nice things. Come to me any time, I’ll always tell you how great a father you are. I mean, look, it’s bloody freezing and you’ve driven out of your town so your daughter can look at penguins for half an hour.”

“Yeah,” Zayn says, swallowing thickly. “Yeah, I suppose.”

It’s not until it comes down to buying the tickets to see Raani perform in her school winter concert that Zayn fully realises just how much Liam has wormed his way into their lives.

“You’re both coming, right?” he asks Harry and Louis that night over Chinese takeaway. Harry’s too busy showing Raani how to use chopsticks to be paying attention but Louis nods through a glug of wine.

“Of course we are,” he says haughtily. “And I resent the implication that I would ever miss my favourite girl singing in her concert.”

“I was just checking, you drama queen,” Zayn says with a roll of his eyes. He reaches over to the stack of papers on the edge of the table and snags out the letter from her teacher, grabbing a pen and hastily scribbling a number five into the ticket box. “So that’s five tickets I need to get. Are you alright to leave a fiver each?”

Louis shrugs and nods but Raani suddenly yells over “no Baba, we need this many.” She holds up six fingers.

“No, flower, it’s five,” Zayn says, confused. “Baba, Uncle Lou, Uncle Harry, Uncle Ni and Auntie Jade.”

“And Leeyum!” Raani chirps. She pops a piece of onion into her mouth and chews. “Don’t forget Leeyum.”

“Liam?” Zayn says slowly. “You want Liam to come and see you sing?”

Raani nods eagerly. “I asked him when we were at the zoo and he said that he would come if he could and he also bets I will look like a princess.” She beams proudly, which would probably have more of an effect if she didn’t have a noodle stuck to her chin. Zayn blanches.

“I… I mean, I can ask him if he really wants to come but…”

“He _does,_ Baba,” Raani says exasperatedly. “He told me.”

“I’ll, er, I’ll give him a call after dinner then,” Zayn says. He can feel his cheeks flaming as Louis smirks happily from his other side and Harry is clearly pretending not to laugh. He wants new friends.

He puts off the call as long as possible, but as soon as it’s clear that Louis will make the call himself if he has to he sighs and stands up, shutting the living room door so he doesn’t have to look at any of them and scrolls through his contacts for Liam’s number.

“Zayn? You okay?” Liam says on answering. His voice is deeper on the phone and his Midlands accent sounds heavier. Zayn takes a deep breath.

“Hi, Liam, I’m good. Um, how are you?”

“Not too bad, yeah. Is everything, um… I mean, is there a particular reason you’re ringing me at twenty past ten on a Friday? Are you at work?”

“No, no, I’m at home. I, er, wanted to ask you something and you can of course say no, but it’s important to Raani so I figured I would ask you, even though she said she’s already asked you but I just wanted to make sure…”

“Zayn,” Liam interrupts gently. “Ask away, babe.”

Zayn scrubs a hand over his face, absolutely not admitting to himself what it does to him when Liam calls him babe. “Do you fancy coming to see her perform in her Christmas concert? It’s only, like, a fiver and she’s desperate for you to come.”

There’s a pause. “Really?” Liam asks unsurely. “Because of course I will if she wants me there, but, like… really?”

“She adores you,” Zayn says, shrugging even though he knows Liam can’t see him. “Honestly, she thinks you’re the greatest and it would mean the world to her if you came. But please don’t feel obligated if you…”

“And would you be okay with that?” Liam interrupts hastily. “If I came to your daughter’s choir concert?”

“I, er…” Zayn flounders for a second because he really wasn’t expecting that but the thing is, he really does want Liam there, as loathed as he is to admit it. “Yeah, I do want you there. I’d really like that actually.”

“Okay then,” Liam says, voice softer but happier. “Then I guess you should stick my name down for a ticket.”

“Great,” Zayn says, voice also uncharacteristically soft (get it together, Malik). “I’ll, er, tell her in the morning; she’ll be thrilled, mate, cheers.”

“Not a problem at all,” Liam says. “Tell her I can’t wait to watch her sing.” He pauses. “I hope that didn’t come across as creepy, oh my god.”

“It’s not… I know you’re not a creep, Liam,” Zayn says with a small laugh. “I’m glad she’s got someone like you in her life, you know, a support system outside of my closer friends who have to be there for her, you know?”

“Yeah,” Liam says. It sounds like he’s nodding along. “It’s nice to have someone else who understands my love of penguins in my life.”

Zayn chuckles, tousling his fringe. “Thanks, mate, I’ll tell her that as well.” He coughs awkwardly. “I better let you go. It’s late and I’ve got Lou and Harry round.”

“Yeah, no worries,” Liam says. It doesn’t sound like he really wants to get off the phone. “I’ll get that fiver to you at some point.”

“S’fine, don’t worry about it,” Zayn says. “Just give it to me at the concert.”

“Should probably ask what date it is, you know,” Liam says with a giggle. “Didn’t even think of that until just now.”

“Right, right; it’s the twenty-third,” Zayn tells him. “Are you going home before then?”

“Nope, I drive back on the twenty-fourth,” Liam says. “Could have postponed it for you and Raani though, you know.”

“I’m glad you don’t have to,” Zayn says after a pause, because he’s suddenly lost his voice at that. “We ain’t that special, Liam.”

“To me you are,” Liam says. Zayn can almost see him shrugging. “I, um, I better go, yeah. I’ll see you on the twenty-third?”

“I’ll text you the address to her school,” Zayn replies, voice barely above a whisper. “Thanks, Liam. So much.”

“No problem, babe. Bye!”

He hangs up before Zayn can say the word back and Zayn just stares at the phone in his hand for a few seconds, the lump in his throat almost suffocating as he stuffs it back into his pocket, takes a deep breath and then goes back into the living room.

Harry and Louis are curled up on the sofa, an old Father Ted repeat playing on low on the TV. It’s snapped off the second they seen Zayn though. “Well?” asks Louis.

“I dunno why you turned the TV off, it’s not _that_ big of a deal,” Zayn informs them, though he figures his voice probably betrays him.

“Bullshit,” Louis says, scrabbling to sit up properly. “Did he say yes?”

“Yeah, yeah he did,” Zayn says, sitting down in the armchair and clasping his hands together in front of him. “He’s, um, well, he said he adores her, which I already knew, but he was, like, making sure I didn’t mind and it’s just…”

“He does adore her,” Harry cuts in. “We’ve only met him, what, twice? And we can tell he cares about you both so much.”

“Us both,” Zayn repeats, not as a question but more as a statement. “He cares about us both loads, doesn’t he?”

Louis scoffs. “Don’t you dare act as though you aren’t also so fond of him that it’s quite disgusting.”

“Yeah, but…”

“No, but shut up,” Louis says, pointing a finger at him. “What are you afraid of, Zayn?”

Zayn scrunches up his brows. “Who’s to say I’m afraid of anything?”

“Fuck off,” Louis jibes. “You fancy him so much it’s almost laughable. He clearly fancies you back. He loves your daughter almost as much as you do and clearly it’s not an issue because he kept encouraging you back.”

“Lou…”

“Just think about it, I think is what he’s trying to say, though he’s doing it _terribly,”_ Harry snorts. He places a hand on Louis’s knee. “You have, like, a week before you see him again, right? So just… just think about it, Zee. We all want you happy but none of us more so than Liam.”

“Who says I’m not happy?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake…”

“ _Louis.”_

“He is the _worst,_ Haz…”

“He is right here,” Zayn snaps. He sighs into his hands. “I appreciate the concerns, I do, but, like, can you just leave it for a bit? I’m not really sure where my head is with Liam and…”

“Just tell me you fancy him and then I’ll leave you to it.”

“Louis.”

“It’s not that simple…”

“Bullshit,” Louis says again. “I fancied Harry, I asked him out, now look. Deeply in love and all that bollocks. This could so be you, you know. And, like, I didn’t even know Harry when I asked him out. You _know_ Liam.”

Zayn sighs. “I… okay, you know I fancy him, alright? I fancy Liam. Happy?”

“Very,” Louis beams, fist-bumping Harry proudly. “Shall we be off now, my love? I feel like Zaynie has some thinking to do.”

“Don’t be a dick,” Zayn grumbles. “I fancy him, yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna act on it.”

Louis opens his mouth but Harry yanks him to his feet so he ends up squawking instead. “We’ll be off then,” he says in his slow drawl.

“You don’t have to.”

“Yes, we do, because otherwise you and Louis will start wrestling and either one of you will end up with a bloody nose or you’ll wake your daughter so we’re going,” Harry says cheerily. “And no offence but I’d rather I was the only one he was wrestling with.”

“Party pooper,” Louis grumbles, but he gives Zayn an almost painfully tight hug as they leave anyway.

Zayn tries not to let Liam or Louis’s words hang over him for too long – he’s working longer shifts at work what with it being the Christmas rush and all so he’s got that as an escape, at least – but every time he comes home and Raani is singing the songs in practice for the twenty-third (and when she’s not, she’s asking Zayn how he’s going to help her look like a princess) so Liam remains at the back of his mind. Bastard.

He doesn’t see him again until the twenty-third and the only time he’s contacted him since has been to text him the address of the primary school. He drops Raani off at noon for rehearsals and then goes back to Niall and Jade’s, watching sappy films and eating Jade’s homemade mince pies until it gets to six o’clock.

They pull up outside the school and stand by the entranceway, waiting for Louis and Harry and Liam to turn up. Louis and Harry turn up first, hands clasped between them and Harry with a limp that everyone smirks at but nobody dares comment on.

“Where’s your lad?” Louis asks instead, arm winding around Zayn’s waist.

“Not my lad,” Zayn grumbles. “Dunno, traffic can’t be great but we have time, Lou, don’t…”

“There he is!” Niall says brightly, pointing over towards the other side of the car park. Liam’s walking towards them slowly, dressed in an expensive-looking black pea coat with a ridiculous bright green Christmas jumper underneath. Zayn wants to kiss him.

“Hi all,” Liam says as he approaches, giving the group a sheepish kind of wave. The group all chirps their hellos back as Liam sidles up to Zayn’s side, bumping their shoulders together. “Hi,” he breathes and Zayn stares at his feet because his smile is so big he doesn’t want Liam to see.

“Hi,” he replies. “I’m glad you came.”

“Wouldn’t miss this for the world,” Liam says, so earnestly that Zayn knows he’s fucking fucked. “How is the little one?”

“Haven’t seen her,” Zayn tells him. “Dropped her off here at noonish but she seemed more excited than nervous, so that’s something.”

“She’ll be brilliant,” Liam says, rubbing his hands together to warm them up. “Shall we head in?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Zayn says almost dumbly. Liam pulls his hands apart and drops them back to his side, reaching it out like he wants to take Zayn’s but then yanking it back at the last second, which Zayn is rather grateful for because his head is spinning. Liam is _here_ and he’s in a novelty Christmas jumper and he smells _amazing_ and he’s _here._ Zayn really wants to kiss his stupid face.

They head inside the school and through the hallways into the school assembly hall, where rows and rows of chairs have been set up and parents and teachers are milling around. A huge painted display of Bethlehem is hung up across the back of the stage and the curtains are drawn, but little faces keep poking out behind it as children seek out their parents in the crowds.

The six of them locate their seats and Zayn takes the aisle so he can get the best view. Liam sits next to him, awkwardly shucking off his coat in the limited space and then turning to Zayn.

“Hey, like, feel free to tell me to shut up or whatever, but are you cool with her celebrating Christmas if you normally wouldn’t? I’m just curious, you know.”

“S’cool,” Zayn says with a shrug. “Well, her mum was white, obviously, and even though we don’t do Christmas in as much of a big deal as, say, you would, I’m still taking her home to my parents for Christmas and we make it a family day and that. But it’s not that, like, I want to force anything on her but this is her school and she wanted to be a part of the concert. I dunno, obviously the rational part of my brain tells me she’s too young to fast and stuff but when she’s old enough I’ll probably make more of an effort to reign that part of us in.” Liam nods. “I dunno, I don’t…” He sighs. “Like obviously I’m going to bring in more Muslim traditions and stuff when she’s a little older but at the moment _I_ haven’t even thought about my own religion so I’m just sort of going with it, if that makes sense?”

Liam nods again. “Loads of sense. You’re doing a fab job with her, you know?”

“I think I’m doing okay,” Zayn says, ducking his head because he hates people commenting on his parenting. “Like…”

“No, I mean it,” Liam says, thumb stroking over Zayn’s hand. “You’re raising her brilliantly and you shouldn’t ever doubt yourself.”

“Thanks,” says Zayn quietly. He hooks his index finger around Liam’s and squeezes gently. “Means a lot to hear you say that.”

“S’just the truth,” Liam murmurs back, offering up a small smile.

The lights go down then and then the opening bars of Little Donkey sound through the auditorium. The curtains open slowly and then the kids shuffle out onto the stage, where Zayn immediately spots his Raani, dressed in blue and grey robes and with a stuffed sheep under her arm. He watches her scan around the crowds for them and once her eyes settle on them she bursts into a bright beam, grinning so wide that her eyes crinkle closed and she nearly trips over the girl next to her.

Zayn shoots her a quick wink and a little wave and she waves back as subtly as she can (not subtly at all) before their teacher stands in front of them and claps them into position where they begin to sing.

Not that Zayn is biased or anything, but Raani is clearly the best one on the stage. She sings her solo lines the loudest and proudest, waves as she bows and skips off like she knows she stole the show. Zayn beams proudly as she does so, standing and clapping along with the other parents but grinning smugly as she waves at their group.

“Do we have to stay now it’s children we don’t know performing?”

“Louis!”

“We can leave at the interval if you want but that’s rude,” Harry says, smacking him upside the head lightly. “Also Raani would notice and then she’d kick your bottom.”

The year ones and twos are now being lead out and take their seats at the front, facing towards the audience. The year threes and fours now head out onto the stage and begin their performance but the year ones and twos join in with the chorus and clap along, so Louis just huffs and resigns himself to the fact that he’s going to have to stay.

After the interval, the concert lasts another forty-five minutes or so, in which Raani takes part in a couple more songs. Once the curtains close for the final time, the applause of the proud parents is almost deafening and all six of them are on their feet, beaming towards where Raani had been bowing repeatedly and dramatically in a way only she would.

“Right, let’s go collect the little terror,” Louis yawns, leaning against Harry’s shoulder. “And after that?”

If Raani hadn’t been charging down the corridor towards them at that very moment, Zayn might have noticed Niall pulling Louis and Harry to one side and murmuring something in their ears. Instead, he turns to watch her, her little backpack rattling from side to side as she scurries down the hallway towards them…

And straight into Liam’s arms, who ducks down to her height just in time for her to charge into him.

“Leeyum, Leeyum, you came!” she cheers, jumping up and down and squealing. Liam laughs as he cuddles her back, bouncing along with her jumps as she laughs into his neck.

“You were so good, darling!” he tells her, smacking a giant kiss onto her cheek. “You blew me away!”

“Yay!” she yells and squeezes him again. Zayn stares down at them, heart thumping against his ribcage. He doesn’t think he ever want to forget the way that Liam looks, holding his daughter in his arms like she belongs there.

“Raani, girl, give your old Uncle Lou a cuddle,” Louis shouts, pulling Zayn out of his trance. “You were fantastic, sweetheart.”

Raani keeps giggling as she plummets into a group hug with Louis and Harry, who scoop her up between them and pepper her happy face with kisses. Liam steps back up and clears his throat.

“I, er, sorry I stole the spotlight from you there,” he says quietly.

“It’s fine,” Zayn says quickly, because it _is._ “I live with her, it’s not like I’m not going to get the chance to tell her how brilliant she is.”

Liam opens his mouth to say something but then Niall clears his throat, waving at them dramatically from where he’s got his arms wrapped around Raani’s shoulders. “Rara here deserves a treat for stealing the show tonight, don’t you think, Baba?”

Zayn’s face softens as he sees Raani’s own bright one. “Yeah, of course you do, flower. What do you fancy doing?”

“Actually,” Jade interrupts quickly, “we’ve already decided. A sleepover with Uncle Niall and Auntie Jade is in order, I think!”

“What?” Zayn asks. “I mean, maybe, but, like, we’ll have to be out of your hair quite early because we’re driving home tomorrow…”

“Baba’s not invited,” Niall says cheerily. “Baba can pick Rara up tomorrow morning but tonight it is just going to be us three.”

“Wait, what?” Zayn asks again, now completely confused. “But she doesn’t have any pyjamas or a toothbrush or…”

“But Uncle Lou has to drive back there anyway to drop off the car for you so he’ll just follow these two and let them in to get her stuff with his spare key,” Louis says, a smile on his face so wide Zayn thinks it must hurt. “We got this, Zaynie.”

“So wait, how do I get home?”

“I can drive you,” Liam offers, though he sounds as confused as Zayn feels.

“Or,” Niall offers, winking at them both above Raani’s head, “you could go back to Liam’s, maybe? Have a little celebration of your own?”

Zayn’s mouth drops open a little bit then he snaps it closed again. Liam looks equally as hesitant but then nods slowly, like he’s warming to the idea.

“You could,” he says quietly like this is only meant for Zayn’s ears. “I can drive you home after, or you can, um, you can stay the night.”

“I’d… I’d like that,” Zayn confesses. He starts twisting one of his rings around his finger so he doesn’t do something stupid like try to hold Liam’s hand. “I mean, if it’s okay that my rude as hell friends sprung this on you.”

“Shut up and get in Liam’s car,” Louis says merrily. “Merry Christmas, Leeymo, nice to see you again and all.”

“You too, Louis,” Liam stammers out. They start walking towards the front door of the school and out towards the car park, where Zayn draws Raani away from Niall into a giant hug of his own.

“You be good,” he murmurs into her hair as she wraps her chubby arms around his neck and squeezes. “Don’t stay up too late and don’t eat too many sweets.”

“Yes, Baba,” she groans, but she’s grinning as she pulls back. He turns his cheek to her and she kisses it three times in quick succession before flinging her arms around his neck again. He groans happily as he hugs her back, kisses her forehead three times quickly and then sets her down so he can scuttle back to Niall.

“Is it my turn yet?” Louis says dramatically, flinging himself into Zayn’s arms. Zayn catches him and sighs into his neck. “Good luck, stud,” he hears Louis whisper not very subtly. “Use protection and all that.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Zayn grumbles back.

“Not if I can help it, I’m going home for some glorious birthday sex,” Louis singsongs. He pulls back, smacks a kiss onto Zayn’s cheek and then goes back to Harry. “Merry Christmas, darling!”

“Love you!” Zayn calls after them (though it’s mainly directed at Raani). Raani waves until they reach Niall’s car, then Jade helps her into the back and then they’re gone.

Liam clears his throat nervously. “Um, shall we go?” he coughs, pointing awkwardly towards his car. Zayn nods and after a few seconds of awkward fumbling, they finally link hands. Zayn smiles and squeezes his hand gently, letting himself be tugged towards Liam’s little car.

The drive there is only a little bit awkward, with jingly Christmas songs playing on the tinny radio and Liam not really offering any conversation. He looks nervous, more nervous than Zayn cares to ask about so he resigns himself to simply keep looking straight ahead and trying not to freak the fuck out.

Liam’s house isn’t far from the outskirts of the city. All the lights are off as they pull up outside and he clicks open the garage from a button on his keys before driving inside.

“I, er, I have a dog, I hope that’s okay,” Liam says in a rough voice. “I tend to come into the house this way so he doesn’t bolt into the road.”

Zayn grins, unbuckling his seatbelt and nodding. “I like dogs,” he says in a tone that he hopes sounds reassuring. “What’s his name?”

“Loki,” Liam says, flushing. Now Zayn beams.

“Like the superhero?”

Liam nods. “Like the superhero, laugh it up.”

“No, no, I like it,” Zayn admits. “Suits you right down to the ground as well.”

Liam snorts as he unbuckles his own seatbelt. “Um, well, shall we?”

Zayn makes a noise of affirmation and opens the car door, stepping out into the cold garage. He follows Liam into the house where they’re charged by a husky upon entry. Liam reaches across Zayn and opens the back door, letting him scamper out and bark at whatever he’s found outside instead.

“Um, do you fancy a beer?” Liam asks as he unwinds the scarf from his neck. Zayn nods. “Living room is there, I mean, not that you couldn’t guess that, but yeah. I’ll bring it through.”

Zayn nods again, opening the door and stepping through into Liam’s dark sitting room. He fumbles for the light switch and then the room is lit up in a dim glow. He looks around it, taking in where Liam lives because it’s so exactly how he imagined Liam’s house it’s almost comical. There’s posters up on the wall with Batman and the Avengers, a full wall of assorted DVDs and an old, tatty sofa with mismatched cushions scattered across it. The coffee table is covered in comic books , TV magazines and dog toys so Zayn pushes them aside carefully in search of a coaster.

He takes off his own coat and hangs it over the edge of one of the dining chairs in the corner then takes a seat  on the sofa, almost snorting out loud as he sinks right into it. It’s clearly well-loved and it’s rather cosy, so Zayn scoops up one of the comic books and starts to flick through it as he waits for Liam.

He only needs to wait a few seconds because Liam appears in the doorway then, two bottles of Heineken in hand and still dressed in that infernal Christmas jumper. “Here,” he murmurs, handing the bottle over. “S’all I’ve got, I hope it’s okay. I can run out to get something else if it isn’t…”

“Liam, it’s great,” Zayn coughs awkwardly. “Please sit, you’re… you’ve done more than enough for me today so…”

Liam’s face colours. “I, er, I’m glad you think so.” He too coughs awkwardly. “So, er, you said you were heading home for Christmas, didn’t you? I don’t think I asked where home was.”

“Bradford,” Zayn says. He takes a quick swig of his beer. “It’s not really home though, not anymore, but it’s where my parents are, so.”

“How come?” Liam asks carefully.

Zayn sighs. “Well, like, it’s… I grew up in one of those neighbourhoods were everyone knows everyone else’s business, which was shit and I fucking hated it. It was gossip central, typical really, so when Perrie, er, that’s Raani’s mum, got pregnant- well, the news spread like goddamn wildfire and everyone just sort of turned their noses up at us.”

“Shit, Zayn, I’m so sorry,” Liam murmurs. He places a gentle hand on his knee.

“I mean, it’s not great but my parents love Raani so that’s a bonus. I mean, obviously they weren’t thrilled because I was only seventeen when Perrie found out she was pregnant but they’ve dealt with it. They love her and spoil her so it’s all I could really ask for.”

“How come you ended up here then?”

Zayn shrugs. “More jobs. Cheaper flats. Less judgmental people. Louis was already living here so when Pez and I knew we wanted to leave he let us crash at his place for a while.”

“Where is Perrie now?” Liam asks cautiously. “Like, if you don’t mind me asking, of course.”

Zayn swallows thickly and takes a careful deep breath. “Perrie’s- er, Perrie’s dead, Liam. She died when Raani was only seven months old. It’s…”

“Oh my god,” Liam interrupts, looking mortified. “Zayn, I am so sorry, I had no idea, I…”

“It’s fine,” Zayn cuts him off quickly. “I’ve come to terms with it now. I’ve explained it to Raani and even though I don’t think she fully gets it yet she knows.” He laughs a humourless laugh. “It’s been four and a half years, I should be over it by now.”

“God, _no,”_ Liam says sadly. “That’s not the kind of thing you should ever get over, fuck. Zayn, I’m so sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, babe,” Zayn says, trying for a nonchalant shrug but failing. “It’s not your fault now, is it? It was the drunk driver driving the wrong way down a one way street’s fault.”

“Shit,” Liam mumbles. “Zayn…”

“It’s not your fault that it happened because she stormed out after her parents called and said they didn’t want anything to do with the baby and me anymore and I was it was fine because we didn’t need them,” Zayn continues, breaths coming out heavy and ragged. “It’s not your fault that I had to bury her while holding my crying daughter and it’s not your fault I didn’t have a job because we were using the benefits I was on to help her through uni where she was studying to be a nurse and it’s not your fault that I nearly lost it and just gave the baby to my mum and fled because I couldn’t handle it and it’s…”

“Zayn,” Liam says, setting his beer down and taking Zayn’s face in his hands. “Breathe for me, babe, breathe. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” Zayn mumbles. “It’s not, it’s not.”

“Babe,” Liam says again, fiercer this time. “It is fine, I promise. Because it’s shitty what you went through and fuck knows you didn’t deserve any of that, but look how you emerged on the other side. You have a daughter who adores you and friends who would do anything for you and you’ve got me…” He trails off, shaking his head quickly before he carries on. “You work two jobs and you still find the time to take your daughter to the zoo to see her favourite animals and you still make it so she never wants for anything. You make sure she has food on the table and a bed to sleep in and you’ve done that all yourself!”

“Louis helped…”

“Louis might have helped but you _did,”_ Liam says. He strokes his thumb across Zayn’s stubbly cheekbone. “Raani adores you, babe. Every other sentence that comes out of her mouth is ‘Baba took me here’ or ‘Baba told me this funny story’ and she thinks you’re the greatest.” He smiles gently. “And you’re doing a better job of it than I would have ever done.”

“Yeah?” Zayn says quietly.

“Yes,” Liam reiterates. He takes his hands off Zayn’s face and scratches the back of his neck. “There is literally nothing you could do that would fuck it up.” He opens his arms and Zayn sags into them, resting his head against Liam’s chest and lets himself be held like he hasn’t in so long. Liam is warm and solid, one arm around his shoulders to keep him steady and another stroking through his hair.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn mumbles. “’m sorry, I just… I don’t think about her much, or talk about her much and I’m just so scared that I’m going to fuck up soon because…”

“I really doubt you will,” Liam says gently.

Zayn sighs, takes a deep breath, doubts every life choice he’s ever made but then ploughs on anyway. “I think… I think I’m falling for someone else.” He feels Liam tense. “I don’t… I haven’t felt this way about anyone that wasn’t Perrie before and I… I want this person but it’s new and I’m scared and I don’t know how to approach the situation, like, at all.”

Liam hesitates for a long time. Zayn can feel the nervous gulp he takes in his chest. “This person… what are they like?” he says quietly, like speaking too loud could break the painfully obvious tension between them.

“He’s a he,” Zayn admits softly. Liam’s arms tighten around him. “He’s sweet and he’s gorgeous and he makes me laugh a lot. He’s kind and generous and he clearly likes me back – well, at least I think he might do – but the best part is he seems to also adore my daughter, which is a huge thing for me. And she adores him back.”

“Zayn,” Liam whispers. He pulls away from Zayn ever so slightly but keeps close enough to take his face in his hands again, eyes staring intensely into Zayn’s. “Zayn, I…”

Zayn shuffles up, hands wrapping tentatively around Liam’s wrists. He dares to move his face a little closer, close enough to feel Liam’s hot breath on his cheeks. Liam looks as terrified as Zayn feels and he wishes he was confident enough to close the distance between them but then Liam does it for him, gently lowering himself forward to cover Zayn’s mouth with his own.

Liam’s fingers curl around Zayn’s jaw to tilt it up and Zayn responds straight away, his mouth opening ever so slightly while his own fingers dig into Liam’s skin, encouraging him closer.  He’s an awkward angle but it’s perfect and Zayn sighs into it, _giggles_ even, because the moment was so tense and now it’s so _not._ It’s hot and it’s uncomfortable but it’s wonderful.

Zayn shuffles himself up awkwardly, trying to keep their mouths connected as he climbs himself into Liam’s lap. His hands place themselves as the back of Liam’s head, fisting themselves in whatever hair they can grab onto and holding him in place. Liam moans a little as one of his knees accidentally presses into his belly but Zayn kisses him quiet, doesn’t want to do anything but keep his mouth connected to Liam’s now he’s finally had his taste.

They break apart reluctantly after a time but keep their foreheads pressed together, so they’re sharing the air their lungs so desperately demanded. Neither of them say anything but Liam’s smile is blinding and Zayn suddenly wants more than he ever has before. He can feel heat pooling in his belly already – it’s been four and a half years since he’s been kissed, let alone done anything more, after all – so he dives back in, this time almost bitingly so as he parts Liam’s lips and hotly licks into his mouth, turning the kiss almost unbearably filthy.

“Babe, _baby,”_ Liam says into his mouth suddenly, though his voice sounds foreign, husky and desperate. “Are you hard already?”

Zayn flushes, flicking his head so his fringe covers his face. “It’s… it’s been so long, Liam, so long…”

“Ssssshhhh,” Liam coaxes, ghosting his lips over the corner of Zayn’s mouth. “I’ve got you, okay? Anything you want, I promise, but I’ve got you.”

Zayn is eternally grateful for that because his head is so fuzzy already that he thinks he’s going to need that reassurance. Liam kisses him again, softer this time and so gentle that it makes Zayn’s head spin. He finds himself being carefully lifted in Liam’s strong arms, then he’s being pressed back against the sofa before there are lips pressing into his neck, his jaw, every inch of exposed skin that Liam can find.

“May I?” he hears Liam ask, warm fingers toying with the bottom of his jumper. He nods hurriedly and then props himself up as best he can to aid in the process of dragging his jumper and then t-shirt off, dropping them to the floor. The kisses drop lower then, down his collarbones and across to the tops of his arms, then down towards his chest. He tries to do something, tries to rock his hips up in an attempt to pull himself closer to Liam or _something,_ but Liam’s kisses are unrelenting, kissing down to around his belly button and across the tattoos on his hips.

“Wanted you so much for so long,” he hears Liam mumble into his skin. “Never thought I could want someone as much as I’ve wanted you. You know that, right?”

“Didn’t,” Zayn admits, though finding words is currently a struggle as Liam’s tongue traces along the line of his boxer briefs. “Do now. Am the same.”

He dares a look down and then can’t stop the laugh that erupts from him because Liam looks like sin, eyes dark and skin flushed with arousal, but he’s still wearing a bright green Christmas jumper while doing so. He snorts, hands unfisting themselves from Liam’s hair to cover his mouth and almost try to force the laugh back in. Liam looks up, confused.

“What’s so funny?”

“Sorry,” Zayn snorts, propping himself up on his elbows. “I am sorry, fuck babe, but you’re still wearing that jumper and god, it’s bloody awful.”

Liam groans, resting his forehead on Zayn’s stomach. “Shit, I totally forgot,” he huffs, staring back up at Zayn with his dopey eyes. “Take it off me?”

Zayn reaches down slowly, pulling the ugly sweater off Liam’s lithe body and dropping it to the floor along with his own clothes. He freezes as he sees Liam’s abs rippling in the flesh rather than from under his shirt and he licks his lips, suddenly wanting nothing more than to mark them with his teeth. There isn’t a single inch that he doesn’t want to kiss.

Liam goes back to kissing, biting at Zayn’s hipbones and gently coaxing Zayn’s legs apart so he can shuffle between them, kissing back up his torso until he eventually reaches his mouth again. Their tongues slide together easily and Zayn shudders under Liam’s weight, feeling safe and cared for and adored, really. That’s the only word he can think for it.

Liam pulls back after a few more minutes, propping himself above Zayn with his strong arms and gently brushes Zayn’s falling fringe from his face. “Do you…? I mean, I don’t want to pressure you, of course, but can I take you to bed? Please?”

Zayn freezes. He’s hard in his jeans, has been for bloody ages, it feels like, but he hadn’t actually thought about sex itself. He’s a virgin in this sense – he’s never had sex with anyone other than Perrie, let alone another boy – but he trusts Liam, trusts him to make him feel good and wanted and comfortable. So he nods.

Liam gently coaxes him upright, swinging his legs off the sofa and then tugging him upright and then towards the stairs. He pushes open his bedroom door and flicks the lights, pointing Zayn unnecessarily towards his large, unmade bed in the centre. Zayn falls onto it easily and Liam follows, climbing back over him and kissing him breathless once more. The now-familiar coils of heat return to Zayn’s belly and he breaks the kiss, falling back onto Liam’s pillows.

“I, um, well, I’ve never… not with a boy anyway,” he says, heat burning through him that feels more like embarrassment than arousal. Liam, however, just nods, strokes down his cheek and ghosts another kiss across his lips.

“I think I knew that, love,” he says, without a shred of judgment. “I’ve got you though, yeah?”

Zayn nods because he believes him. Liam kisses him again, long and slow, before his hands leave where they were pillaring Zayn’s head and he sits up over Zayn’s frame, hands going to the button on Zayn’s straining jeans.

“May I?”

Zayn nods again, letting Liam undo his button so slowly and drag them down his legs, eyes squeezing shut for reasons he’s unsure of. Liam leans down and presses kisses into his thighs, his knees, his shins until the jeans crumple to the floor, his socks following afterwards.

His boxers go next and Zayn can feel heat prickling across his entire body as the cotton drags down his length. His breath comes out in pants as they slide to the floor and then there’s a few seconds of no contact, which makes Zayn hurriedly crack his eyes back open. Liam is yanking off his own clothes now, his cock bobbing free as he dumps his clothes down the side of the bed with the rest of them.

“Come back,” Zayn croaks and Liam complies, but rather than kissing Zayn’s mouth he ghosts his breath over Zayn’s cock, making Zayn buck his hips up unconsciously. Liam presses them back down gently, guiding one leg over his shoulder before he looks up at Zayn questioningly.

“Have you showered today?”

Zayn looks confused but props himself up enough to nod. Liam runs a gentle hand over his thigh and nods back.

“Okay, good. Just… this isn’t for everyone but I wanna get you as open as possible, so, like, just tell me if you want me to stop.”

Zayn’s confused for all of three seconds because suddenly there’s a hot tongue prodding at his rim, licking a fat strip from back to front. He whines, body going taut as Liam licks over him again and then again. He moans, squirming away almost instinctively but Liam is strong and his hands lock him in place, grip firm but not uncomfortable around Zayn’s thighs.

Zayn moans out Liam’s name and that’s enough for Liam to double his efforts. He starts moving his tongue in and out of Zayn’s tight hole, in and out again and again until Zayn almost goes lax, moaning a garbled mix of his name and various forms of the word yes, hands tugging on the bed sheets so hard his knuckles are white with it. A few more broad strokes over it and then Liam starts lapping at it gently, wanting to coax him open more than he wants to make him come right now.

Zayn feels like his skin is on fire with sensation and all he can think about is _LiamLiamLiam._ The smell of Liam’s cologne on the bed sheets is intoxicating and his strong hands are slowly taking him apart piece by piece. Zayn thinks briefly that he might be okay with that. He doesn’t have much time to think though because his prick is starting to hurt and he thinks he might be able to come if Liam works at him just a little longer…

Liam stops abruptly and Zayn whines, falling even further into the pillows as his body quivers, desperate to reach its climax. He feels a little drunk but suddenly he’s aware of Liam climbing up over him, reaching for something in the drawer of the bedside table.

“Need the lube, darling,” Liam says gently. He presses a kiss onto Zayn’s kneecap. “You ready?”

Zayn whimpers as he nods almost frantically, then Liam’s tongue is back at his entrance but this time it’s accompanied by a lubed up finger. The stretch is something unlike Zayn has ever really felt and it makes him jolt but Liam takes it in his stride, stroking down his knee gently.

The finger nudges it slightly further and then Liam takes his tongue away so he can focus on stretching him. It does hurt, Zayn can’t deny, but it’s a nice hurt, like he knows that it’ll be worth it. Liam shuffles up onto his knees and gently coaxes Zayn to roll over onto his belly, which he does without question. Liam guides him so his arse is slightly raised and then dips his fingers back in, sliding them in and out slowly but surely, carefully avoiding Zayn’s prostate for now.

By the time he’s got three fingers pumping in and out of Zayn, Liam curls his fingers slightly to start looking for Zayn’s magical bundle of nerves. It takes a few goes but then all the air whooshes out of his lungs and he moans, long and broken. “Again, Liam,” he manages to croak in between pants. “Fuck, touch me again.”

Liam complies and strokes over his prostate a few more times in between scissoring him as open as he can. Zayn’s entire body is trembling, sweat drenching his face and neck so Liam pulls back, placing a gentle kiss just above his arsecheeks.

“Do you want to be on your belly or on your back for this?” he murmurs. “Belly will be easier but back… back I can see you.”

“Back,” Zayn grits out, rolling himself over carefully. His cock looks almost painful between his legs, bright red and leaking so hard that for a split second Liam thinks he’s already finished. He spreads his legs and Liam climbs between them, his erection also dangling hot and heavy and digging into Zayn’s thigh as Liam kisses him gently.

“Are you with me?” he asks him gently, brushing the hair out of his eyes. Zayn cracks his eyes open and nods, eager for some sort of relief. Liam brushes his lips over his forehead and reaches back into the bedside drawer for a condom, pulling it off the strip and then settling back between his legs where he spreads it on himself. He’s just grabbing the lube to slick himself up more, then Zayn’s hand wraps around his wrist.

“Wait, babe, wait. Can I… can I ride you?”

Liam blinks at him in surprise. “Are you sure? You’re not too tired?”

Zayn takes a deep breath but shakes his head. “Please. Is that okay?”

“More than okay,” Liam reassures. He awkwardly flips them over, supporting Zayn as he staggers and almost falls off the bed and then sits himself up, pressing his back against the pillows. Zayn takes several deep breaths but then reaches out and grips the base of Liam’s cock. It feels odd, to hold a cock that doesn’t belong to him, but right now he’s too horny to really dwell on it so he shuffles himself forward, bends his knees and then starts to sink down.

He squeezes his eyes shut and rakes his nails down Liam’s chest, breath coming out even more ragged and painful as he adjusts to it. It’s so much so fast and he almost regrets asking Liam to do it this way round but Liam’s hands are strong and there keeping him upright. He’s got him.

“Zayn,” he hears Liam say, though his voice feels a million miles away. “Zayn, open your eyes, babe.”

It takes a few seconds but eventually Zayn lets his eyes flicker open. Liam has a dopey smile on his face, soft and caring. He’s got sweat dripping down his temples and his hair is all over the place but he’s truly beautiful and Zayn can’t quite believe that he closed his eyes for even a second. He lowers himself down another inch, feeling Liam’s hips twitch against his thighs and he has to pause again because he’s never felt this overwhelmed all at once before.

It takes a few more minutes but eventually Zayn’s arse is snug against Liam’s thighs. They pause, both panting into each other’s mouths while they both adjust.

“You okay?” Liam asks, voice strained. Zayn nods, winding an arm around Liam’s neck and experimentally clenching himself around Liam’s dick, who groans and knocks their noses together.

After a few more moments of kissing, Zayn takes a deep breath and raises himself up, then sinks back down with a long, drawn-out sigh. He bounces experimentally like this a few times before taking another long breath and winding his other arm around Liam’s neck, raising himself up and positioning himself onto his knees. He shifts his hips a little, bouncing a little faster now that he’s adjusted better to the stretch and Liam gasps as he clenches around him tightly again.

Zayn feels a little surer of himself now and starts bouncing properly, his grip on Liam tightening as Liam starts to meet the bounces halfway. The sound of their skin slapping together starts to resonate through the room and Zayn feels better than he has in years, almost drunk on pleasure and the feeling of everything around him being warm and safe and love.

God, he’s falling in love with Liam. The realisation hits him as Liam slams into him yet again and Zayn gasps, partly in pleasure and partly in awe at what he’s feeling. He loves him so much that he aches with it and Liam is soft yet firm beneath him, chanting “I’ve got you” over and over into his neck. It’s terrifying and it’s relieving but it brings Zayn closer and closer with every chant.

Without Zayn even asking him to, Liam wraps a hand around his cock. He grips it tightly and strokes sloppily as Zayn’s bounces tire, his thighs straining to keep him upright after being on edge for so long. It doesn’t take long after that for Zayn to finally see white and then streak Liam’s hand with his release. He thinks he might black out for a second but when he comes to he realises he’s been flipped over back onto his back and Liam is still slamming his hips inside of him, chasing his own release frantically.

When Liam comes, it’s with Zayn’s name on his lips. He collapses as carefully as he can onto Zayn’s chest, skin sticking together with sweat before he carefully pulls out and ties the condom. He places it on the bedside table and then falls back by Zayn’s side, who is lying with his lips slightly parted and his eyes shut. His breathes are still coming out laboured but he opens his eyes when he feels gentle lips brush against his cheek.

Neither of them say anything for a while, simply lying curled up and facing each other while they come back from their orgasms. Zayn doesn’t think he fully comes back though, because the next thing he knows it’s morning, light breaking through the curtains and his body drenched in a cold sweat.

It takes him a second to realise that he’s lying under unfamiliar covers and then only a few seconds more to realise that he’s sore in a way he’s never been before. He chances a stretch and then winces, both at the pain and at the way his foot collides with an unfamiliar leg.

Except that leg is not unfamiliar. That’s Liam’s leg.

He slept with Liam.

He slowly turns his head, daring to let himself look at the body asleep next to him. Liam is still fast asleep, his mouth parted and his face smushed against the pillow. Although Zayn can’t see (and decides against letting himself check almost immediately) if Liam is also naked, he’s pretty sure he must be and the thought makes a wave of something wash over him. Arousal? Nausea?

 _This should not have happened,_ Zayn thinks to himself. _Malik, you are the stupidest fucking twat in the world._

He lets his mind drift back to last night, the memories of Liam’s mouth, fingers, cock all over his body and the way he made Zayn feel so much more than he has in the past few years. He can’t remember much about the sex he had with Perrie – hasn’t let himself – but this, _this,_ felt like so much more than that ever did, so much more adoring and loving and safe. He’s pretty sure nobody’s first time with someone is meant to feel like that; a one night stand as mind-blowing as that.

And that’s all it can be – a one night stand. He’s not willing to risk letting someone like Liam into his life like that, because he can’t have someone leave him and his little girl again, he just can’t. It hurt too much the first time for Zayn to chance it again.

His eyes dart to down the side of the bed where he can see his jeans and boxers in a heap on the floor, so he gently peels the duvet off his sweaty skin and gathers the clothes into his arms before heading into the hallway.

He dresses quickly, cursing that his top and jumper were strewn across the living room floor in their haste and then quietly pads down the stairs, opening the living room door to try and slide in discreetly. He plans to dress and then hurry out because the idea of facing Liam now – telling Liam that this can only be a one-time thing, despite how much they both care for each other – makes his stomach turn and his skin crawl, so he’ll leave a note saying Niall texted and he needed to get to Raani and then avoid him like the coward that he is.

However, as the living room door opens, Liam’s dog charges towards him, barking loudly and jumping up, paws on Zayn’s thighs. Zayn winces, scratching at his ears and shushing him as quietly as he can, but he can tell the damage has already been done as a few moments later he hears a door open and then the sound of bare feet slapping against the wood as Liam walks down the stairs.

“Morning,” he hears Liam rasp behind him. He takes a few steps towards Zayn and then pauses, face blank. “Were you sneaking out?”

Zayn blanches, staring back at Liam while he struggles to find the words. He chooses instead to move slowly towards the sofa, to pick up his discarded t-shirt and tug it over his head. “I… I, er…”

 _I could love you,_ he thinks. _If I stay, I could let myself fall. But I can’t._

“I thought…” Liam says and his voice is again emotionless, more confused than anything. “I thought we both… we both wanted this?”

Zayn takes a deep breath and then reaches for his jumper. “It’s not that I didn’t want this, Liam. Last night was… it was really fun.”

“Really fun,” Liam echoes disbelievingly, scratching the back of his neck angrily. He’s unfairly beautiful in the morning light, dressed only in a pair of white boxers. There’s still a splash of dried cum on his hip. “Just a bit of fun?”

“Liam,” Zayn says slowly, searching for the words. “Liam, it was fantastic, alright? Let’s not lie here but, like, that’s all I can let it be.”

“So when I told you how long I’ve wanted you for,” Liam says, letting out a long breath, “in the hope that maybe you’d understand that I want more out of this, I was wrong? You just wanted a fuck?”

“Don’t,” Zayn says. “Don’t make me seem like the bad guy here. We both didn’t think to talk about it, we should have known this could come.”

“Well, clearly I was just incredibly thick then,” Liam says with a humourless laugh. “Because when the bloke you’ve been completely head over heels for since the day you met him says he might like someone, then kisses you and lets him fuck you then don’t you think that might be mixed signals?”

“It’s not mixed signals,” Zayn says loudly. “I do fancy you, like, loads, alright? But I can’t do… this.”

“Why not?” Liam asks desperately. “We both like each other a lot, we have amazing sex, we…”

“I have a child,” Zayn cuts in, crossing his arms. “I have a child and she takes priority.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Liam asks incredulously. “You having a child doesn’t matter one little bit. I fancy you in spite of that.”

Zayn feels like Liam’s just chucked a bucket of cold water over his head. “In spite of that?” he repeats in a low voice. “In… in spite of that?”

“Shit, that was the worst wording ever, _fuck,”_ Liam curses. He looks a little green. “I didn’t mean that, I mean…”

“And this,” Zayn growls, “is why I can’t let this happen, Liam. I fucking poured my heart out to you last night, fucking told you shit about Perrie and my fucking insecurities that nobody outside of Louis knows and then you throw this back in my face.”

“I didn’t mean in spite of that,” Liam groans, burying his face in his hands, “I adore Raani, you know I do…”

“Adore her enough to take on what dating a parent involves?” Zayn asks. “I barely have time to see her myself, so adding you into the equation doesn’t work, Liam.”

“You make time for me now.”

“We come to see you at the zoo, or we go for meals when you’ve finished work,” Zayn snaps. “That’s not making time, that’s incorporating you in. Last night was a one off but… Liam, I can’t.”

“So what, you were gonna fuck and run without telling me all of this?” Liam says darkly. “Wow, I thought… I really thought I meant more to you than that.”

“You do,” Zayn says with a shrug because there’s no point in lying at this point. “You deserve more than what I can give you.”

Liam lets out a hollow laugh. “Bullshit.”

“You’re twenty-three,” Zayn says. “You don’t want to be lumbered with a child if you don’t need to be. Ask Louis and Harry, ask Niall and Jade.”

“They adore that child, don’t make it seem like they don’t…”

“They adore her because they have to!” Zayn shouts. “Do you think Louis really wants to spend three nights a week away from his boyfriend because he has to look after his sorry best mate’s daughter?”

“Yes, I think he does actually,” Liam says with a sigh. “Because she’s just another person in his life that’s important to him. Don’t make it into a sob story when it’s not one.”

“Really?” Zayn near snarls. “Because last time I checked, I did have a little of a sob story. I’m twenty-three, the mother of my child is dead, I’m working two jobs and everyone thinks I’m a shit father, apparently and do you know what I do not need? A complicated relationship on top of it. I do not need Raani to be bullied at school for having two daddies on top of any of this.”

“Zayn, I’m not saying I have to be her daddy…”

“And you see, that’s where we won’t work,” Zayn says, swallowing thickly. “As selfish as this sounds, I need someone who is all in this. Who knows what the fuck being with someone who’s raising a child means. Because I’ve already lost one person like that. I can’t let myself lose two. If not for my sake then for my daughter’s.”

Liam laughs humourlessly. “Wow. _Wow._ See, you’re right, we clearly are not on the same page because I thought I meant more to you both than just someone who would walk out of your life, but clearly not.”

“Look, Liam, maybe it’s things were different I could let this happen…”

“What, like maybe if I had tits?” Liam spits. “Yeah, you’re right, this isn’t going to work, is it? I don’t need your internalised homophobia issue on top of the fact that you’d be doubting I’d leave every day. Even though I’m in too deep for that but whatever.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I think you should go.”

“I… I think I should too,” Zayn says, feeling stunned and hurt despite the fact that he knows he brought this on himself. “Is there a bus stop near here or something?”

“There’s a Tesco down the road with a taxi rank attached,” Liam says. He shoves past where Zayn is standing and grabs a gift bag off one of the dining chairs, thrusting it into Zayn’s hand. “Here, a Christmas present for Raani. It’s not much but you know, that’s what you do for the people you care about.”

“Liam, you shouldn’t have…”

“Yes, I should have. Just… Merry Christmas, Zayn.”

Zayn nods, tugging his coat on and leaving the house with a heavy gift bag and a heavy heart. He has to use extreme self-control not to look back but he does anyway. The curtains are still drawn and Liam has clearly returned to his bedroom because those curtains are also shut. He sighs, picks up the pace and gets into a taxi, mumbling his address out and falling back against the seat, trying not to cry.

He gets home and has the longest shower their shitty hot water will allow, throws a few days’ worth of clothes into a bag for both him and Raani and then drives to Niall and Jade’s to collect his daughter and get the fuck out of there.

Niall opens the door with a wide beam and a pair of reindeer antlers on his head. The smile drops off his face the second he looks at Zayn though and he ushers him in quickly before yanking him into a bone-crushing hug.

“What’s wrong?” he asks carefully, drawing back and cupping Zayn’s face in his hands.

“I slept with Liam,” Zayn mutters miserably. “And then he caught he trying to slip out this morning and we had a fight. Told me to get out.”

“What the fuck?” Niall says loudly, then covers his mouth quickly and mumbles a “sorry.”

Zayn sighs. “I can’t, Ni. I can’t do it.”

“Can’t do what?”

“I can’t pursue him,” Zayn says with a shrug, pulling out of Niall’s hold and toeing off his boots. “It’s better that I separate myself before I get myself hurt and I have another person leave us.”

“Zayn,” Niall says slowly. “What the bleedin’ feck are you talking about? Leave you?”

Zayn nods. “I don’t have time for a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or anything. I need to focus on Raani…”

“You’ve been focusing on Raani for five years and she’s _fine,_ you fool. When are you going to focus on you?”

“Priorities are different when you have a kid, Ni.”

“I get that,” Niall says, hooking his arm through Zayn’s and leading him into the kitchen. “But he wouldn’t leave you. That bloke fucking worships the ground you walk on, mate.”

“I’m not risking it,” Zayn says bluntly. “And then he said this thing… fuck, I was so mad – he said something like I still fancy you _in spite_ of your daughter. Like I don’t think he meant it like that but _god,_ Ni, that one hurt.”

“Jesus,” Niall mutters. “If you weren’t driving I’d offer you a sherry. You sound like you could use one, mate.”

Zayn shakes his head. “Whatever, doesn’t matter. How was she?”

“Brilliant as always,” Niall smiles. “She ate a lot of Jade’s trifle and then fell asleep during Frozen. Crawled into bed with us this morning and told us the story of how Liam promised he’d let her stroke an elephant next time she came to the zoo.”

“Fuck,” Zayn mumbles, pinching the bridge of his nose. “God, I hate him so much.”

“You don’t,” Niall says cheerily. “You love him. Love hurts, mate.”

“Leave me alone and fetch me my child that you abducted,” Zayn snaps, though he’s smiling as he says it.

“Don’t act like you aren’t grateful, you got a shag out of it,” Niall says. “How was it anyway?”

Zayn shrugs again. “Phenomenal. That I can’t deny. He was amazing.”

Niall just looks at him coyly before he leans out the kitchen door and calls for Raani. “Oi, Rara, Baba’s here!”

There’s a pause and then he hears Raani squealing as she sprints towards him. He opens his arms and scoops her up with a groan, partly because she’s always heavier than he remembers and partly because he’s missed her more than he thought he would, even though he’s been apart from her for much longer than this. He buries his nose in her thick hair and presses a load of kisses onto the crown of her head.

“Hello, flower,” he says, adjusting her in his arms so he can see her face. “Did you behave for Uncle Niall and Auntie Jade?”

“Yes, Baba,” she says solemnly. Jade sidles into the kitchen behind them and slides an arm around Niall’s waist. “Auntie Jade, wasn’t I good?”

“You were, sweetheart,” Jade says, grinning over to them widely. “An angel to have sleep over.”

“Can I sleep over again soon?” Raani asks, turning her head back to Zayn. “Please, Baba?”

“Probably should ask your Auntie Jade more than you should be asking me, Rara,” Zayn tells her.

“It’s more than okay,” Niall chips in. “If you ever want a night free for, you know, _anything,_ then as long as I’m not working the early shift I’ll take her.”

Jade beams and nods in agreement. Zayn feels a little sick.

“Does Baba get a kiss anyway?” he croaks awkwardly. Raani nods hurriedly, smacking a giant kiss onto his forehead.

“There,” she says. Zayn sets her down and lets her scamper off, sighing as she goes.

“It’s not gonna happen, you know,” he says, turning to Niall. “I can’t let it.”

“You _can,_ ” Niall urges. He turns to Jade. “Guess who got some last night?”

Jade grins. “I knew it, I knew it!”

“Yeah, well,” Zayn says, pulling a face. “It’s not happening, alright?”

“Not happening?” Jade says questioningly. “But Zayn… aren’t you in lo-?”

“No,” Zayn says firmly. “No. And it’s not going to happen, alright? So just, can you all leave it and give me a bloody hug?”

He sighs into the embrace as Niall tugs him in by the waist, hooking his chin over Zayn’s shoulder. He isn’t even sure how long he stands there until he feels a tugging at his jeans and the little sound of a throat being cleared.

“Baba, are we staying?”

“No, flower,” he says reluctantly, pulling out of Niall’s arms. “We’re gonna head off to Nanny and Abbu’s soon, okay?”

“’Kay,” she says and then scuttles off again. Zayn groans, tilting his head back and knocking it against one of the cabinets.

“We better go soon; lord knows what the traffic will be like today.”

“That’s fair enough,” Niall says, clapping him on the shoulder. “And obviously we’re your mates and we’ll stick by you but, like, think about it? And I mean it when I say the offer of a sleepover is always there.”

“I know,” Zayn says, clapping him back. He ducks down to give Jade a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for having her and letting me have the night anyway. And thanks for, like, being there and stuff.”

“Any time,” Jade says, wrapping a hand around his wrist and squeezing. “Merry Christmas, Zayn, love.”

“Merry Christmas, bro,” Niall says, smacking a kiss onto his cheek. Zayn grins and tugs him in for another hug, clapping his hand over the back of his head and drawing him in that way. Niall squawks but hugs back and then pulls back as Jade calls for Raani.

“Have you got all your things, sweetheart?” she asks. Raani nods and then slides two fingers into her mouth. “Okay, let’s get you wrapped up!”

Jade leads her out and Zayn follows, finding the bag of her stuff next to her makeshift bed on the sofa. After a few more cuddles and Merry Christmases, Zayn straps Raani into the back of the car and then starts on the long drive back to Bradford.

He tries to detract from the inevitable questions about his own night by turning up the Frozen soundtrack (he thinks if anyone ever asks him if he wants to build a snowman after this journey then he’ll throw the CD out the window and run it over) but as they pull over into a services about an hour away and he buys them a McDonald’s each, then they come.

“Did you have a good night with Leeyum, Baba?” she asks through a mouthful of nugget. Zayn chews his own burger slowly, unsure of how to respond.

“I did,” he settles on.

“What did you do?” Raani asks, her wide eyes the picture of innocence. Zayn chokes on his drink.

“Just… watched a film and then went to sleep,” he manages, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “Eat up, Rara, I wanna get moving again please.”

She nods and continues to shovel in nuggets, all questions forgotten.

The traffic isn’t horrendous and they manage to get home to Zayn’s parent’s house early afternoon, where it’s easy enough for Zayn to keep distracted. He drinks mulled wine with Doniya, catches up with his mum and plays games on the Wii with Safaa and Raani before his relatives turn up and they all sit down for a massive slap up meal of spaghetti Bolognese.

It’s later on in the evening when he lets himself think about Liam again. He’s sat in the sitting room, Raani on his lap as a particularly loud game of Pictionary when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He gently lifts Raani up and plops her in his cousin’s lap instead as he fishes in his pocket. It’s Louis.

“Hi, Loui-“ he starts, but he’s cut off straight away.

“WHAT THE FUCK, ZAYN?”

“Lou,” he hisses, pressing the phone against his chest and shuffling out of there onto the stairs. “Louis, please, I’m with my family.”

“I don’t _care,”_ Louis snarls. “I just got off the phone with Niall, calling to wish me a happy birthday and he said you fucking ducked out on Liam?! What the fuck?”

Zayn groans. “Look, Louis, I don’t have to fucking justify myself again. I don’t feel…”

“Zayn Malik, you shut the fuck up right now before I drive to Bradford and slap you.”

“Louis, stop, I don’t need this so let me save you the trouble. I don’t want to pursue it so I’m not going to.”

“Bullshit,” Louis growls. “I have known you since we were teenagers, Zayn, and not even Perrie made you this happy. No, don’t… don’t interrupt,” he snaps as Zayn tries to cut in. “You’re the happiest I’ve ever seen you, happier than you’ve been for fucking years, certainly and I’ll be fucked if I let you throw this away.”

“There’s nothing even there to throw,” Zayn tells him frustratedly.

“Again with the bullshit,” Louis groans. “That bloke adores you, right, and he bloody cares about your kid as well. I know it’s bloody awful that people won’t look at you that way twice if they find out you’re a dad, which is bullshit, but…”

“It’s not bullshit,” Zayn shrugs. “I’m not dumping Raani’s shit on someone else. I told him that anyway and he told me that he fancies me in spite of that. His actual words.”

He hears Louis open his mouth and then close it with a gasp. There’s a long pause. “He said… he said what?” he says eventually, voice low. “He said _what?”_

“Yeah, exactly,” Zayn says, feeling awful for twisting Liam’s words and not telling him about the backtracking he took, but he’s still hurting and fed up and so, so tired. “I can’t do it, Lou. Maybe when she’s a lot older but not right now.”

“God, I could _kill_ him,” Louis hisses. “How dare he make a comment like that, how dare he?”

“Louis, it’s… I don’t think he meant it that, like, strongly but, like, it still hurt.”

“Fuck, Zayn, _fuck._ I really thought he was better than that,” Louis says, sounding rather genuinely sorry. “Like, he just, he came across as so genuine and he made Raani fully adore him. Like, the way he just put himself out there for her so much and, like, didn’t even ask for anything more from you outside of the zoo or whatever…”

“Louis, enough,” Zayn interrupts, resting his head against the wall. “He’s a good guy, I know. Perhaps he’s not the best with words but he is a good guy. The sex was… the sex was bloody amazing, I can’t tell you otherwise but, like, that’s all I can let it be, alright?”

“Oh bloody hell,” Louis mutters. “Zayn, look. I’m not at all fucking happy that he said that because that’s so unfair, but aside from that you’re right, I think he’s a good person and he cares about Raani so much. And also, look at how Raani sees him. What did he say after you ducked out? Niall said you fought but I want to hear it from you.”

Zayn sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I kind of… so when we got back to his, he just, like, simply asked me where Raani’s mum was. So I told him and he… he was so sweet about it and I think he thought I was going to cry because he, like, bundled me up into this giant hug. Anyway, then we ended up kissing and… god, Lou, he was so fucking sweet and he told me he’d wanted to kiss me for ages and then he took me to bed and…” He groans. “God, it was amazing sex, fuck, _phenomenal_ sex.” He catches himself and coughs. “Anyway, when I woke up I, like, tried very unsuccessfully to sneak out but I forgot he has a dog and I woke him up with the barking and yeah, he, like, asked me why I wasn’t staying.”

“And why weren’t you staying?” Louis prods. “You haven’t even explained why, babe, not really.”

“Because…” Zayn groans, “because I don’t have time and I don’t want to confuse Raani even more and I’m not ready, Lou.”

There’s a pause. “If you’re not ready for Liam, will you be ready for anyone?” Louis asks eventually. “Because he’s pretty damn perfect for you. I think Raani would understand, you know.”

“I don’t…” Zayn chokes out, feeling bloody awful. “She’s already the brown child from the single father family, Lou. I don’t want her to have even more ammunition fired her way.”

“From who?” Louis asks incredulously. “Her teachers that called you a bad father for having two jobs when you’re probably a better parent than half the scroungers in that school. I don’t give a fuck.”

“Louis…”

“And also think about how Raani would absolutely love having him in your life all the time,” Louis says, voice softening. “And he would, you know. He’d babysit and cook and be a bloody domestic goddess.”

“I can’t ask him to be a daddy at twenty-three, I already told him that,” Zayn croaks. “And what if it doesn’t work out, Lou? What if I let him do these things, come into our lives and we get used to it and stuff and then he bolts? I can’t… I can’t put myself through that again and it is absolutely not something I’m putting Raani through. No way.”

Louis starts to say something else but then the door from the living room clicks open and Raani comes scuttling out and towards Zayn. “Baba, who’s on the phone?”

Zayn smiles and shuffles across so he can haul her into his lap. “It’s Uncle Lou, wanna say happy birthday?”

“Yes!” Raani yells excitedly, making grabby hands for the phone. Zayn hands it over carefully. “Uncle Lou!”

“Hi, babygirl,” he hears Louis say. “How are you doing?”

“Happy birthday, Uncle Loulou!” she answers instead, bouncing a little on Zayn’s knee. “Did you get any nice presents?”

“Yes, I did,” Louis says. “Thank you for the drawing of me, darling, I like it a lot. I’m going to put it on my wall.”

“Yay, thank you Uncle Lou,” Raani says proudly. “Miss you.”

“Miss you lots too,” Louis says. “I’m going to head off now, darling, but Merry Christmas and lots of love.”

“Love you!” Raani chirps back, backing a giant kiss down the phone before handing the phone back to Zayn. Zayn loops an arm around her waist and cuddles her close as he presses the phone back to his ear.

“I’ll let you get off, Lou. Happy birthday, you old fart.”

“God, I’m twenty-five. _Twenty-five._ ” Louis sighs. “Promise me you won’t just dismiss this though, Zayn? Think about it for a bit but, like, promise me you’ll think?”

“Fine,” Zayn says. “Fine. But only to shut you and Niall both up, alright?”

“Merry Christmas, sunshine!” Louis chirps and then promptly hangs up. Zayn groans and leans slightly to the side to slip his phone into his pocket and then draws Raani back into him, pressing a kiss into her hair.

“You okay, flower?”

“Yeah,” she nods. “Want you to come back and play though, Baba!”

“Well, alright then,” he says, pretending to sigh dramatically but then scoops her up high and swings her to one side. She cackles and wriggles but he holds her steady and then pretends to drop her, supporting her weight again at the last moment.

“Baba!”

Zayn just shakes his head fondly and then directs her back into the living room. His mum raises some questioning eyebrows at him but he shakes his head and offers her a smile, so she drops it.

Everyone clears out of the living room at around ten so Raani can sleep on a blow up mattress in there and Zayn will join her on the sofa later. They share drinks in the dining room until everyone is ready for bed and Zayn hurries out first, eager to avoid the awkward conversation with his mum that he knows she’s eager to have.

Christmas isn’t a huge thing in their family, given that it’s not really a part of their religion, but Raani still wakes him up early anyway, demanding the small amount of presents that she’s accumulated from various friends (Louis, dammit, has spoiled her rotten) and classmates. He groans but gets up anyway, fixing himself a coffee and her a cup of orange juice before he hands out her presents.

When the rest of the family emerge, they give Raani a Disney Princess costume and then a hearty cheque to Zayn, which he thanks them profusely for because he knows they don’t necessarily have a lot to give. They spend the rest of the morning eating croissants and smoked salmon, then Zayn calls Niall and Jade for Raani to wish them a Merry Christmas.

It’s only as he’s folding his duvet up from the sofa that he finds the bag of presents from Liam that he’d stuffed down the side of it when they arrived. He glares at it for a few seconds before he plucks it up, calling Raani over to him because he can’t deny her a present.

“Rara, I forgot! Presents from Liam!”

“Leeyum?” Raani yells, dashing in from the kitchen. “Yay, what is it?”

“Open it and found out,” Zayn says. He opens the bag and fishes the wrapped gift out, then notices that there’s a second, smaller one underneath it. He hands over Raani’s gift wordlessly and then pulls out the second one, noticing with a start that it says it’s for him on the tag.

_To Zayn,_

_Because sometimes I feel you need a little reminder. Merry Christmas._

_Love Liam xxx_

“Baba, look!” Raani shouts, holding out the penguin onesie in her lap and giggling happily. Zayn can’t help the grin that spreads across his face at how happy his little girl looks yet his heart feels like it might beat out of his chest. He sets his own gift down on the window sill and helps her into it, snapping a few pictures of her dancing around in it round the living room. When she scuttles into the kitchen to show her Nanny and Abbu, Zayn turns his attention back to his gift.

_A little reminder._

He rips the wrapping paper off, turns it over in his hand and nearly drops it.

It’s just a mug, nothing too special except for the three words written across it in bubble letters.

_World’s greatest dad._

He sets the mug down on the window sill and buries his face in his hands. He doesn’t even know what to think anymore.

He can still hear Raani jumping around with his dad in the kitchen but then his mum comes into the living room, two cups of steaming coffee in her hands. She sets them on the coffee table and drops down next to him on the sofa, slipping her hand into his.

“I knew something was wrong when you didn’t follow your little one into the kitchen,” she says, squeezing his fingers. “And you’ve been all out of sorts since you got here. What’s up, sweetheart?”

Zayn sighs, lazily toying with his mum’s fingers. “Is it…?” he starts, then hesitates. “Do you think it’s too soon to like someone else after losing Perrie?”

His mum looks surprised but takes it in her stride. “No, love, I don’t. I think it’s about time you found someone else, to be honest. You deserve it, you know.”

“What if…” Zayn continues, voice wavering, “what if that person wasn’t a girl? What would you think about that?”

Trisha’s silent for a few moments, in which Zayn has a tiny internal freak out, but then there are two hands on his shoulders and he’s being pulled into a tight hug, his head pressing into his mum’s neck.

“If we haven’t made it clear by now that we’ll support you through anything then clearly I’m doing something wrong,” Trisha says, voice muffed by Zayn’s shoulder. “Zayn, you’re my son, of course I’ll love you through anything. Absolutely anything, I promise that.” She pulls back, cupping his cheeks in her hands. “Is that why you were down? You were scared to tell us?”

“I… no, not really,” Zayn confesses quietly. “I’m scared of all of it, really.”

“Why? Who is it?” Trisha says, gently nudging his hip. “It’s not Louis, is it?”

Zayn snorts. “God, no.”

“Thank goodness. Love that boy as I might, I don’t think I could have him as a son-in-law.”

Zayn laughs again. “His name is Liam.”

“Penguin Liam who works at the zoo?” Zayn nods. “I’ve heard a lot about him from Ra. She seems to adore him.”

“She does adore him,” Zayn says. “And he adores her, it seems like. He bought her that bloody penguin thing.”

“And you adore him,” Trisha prompts, squeezing his hand again.

“I…” Zayn starts again, then stops, clearing his throat. “I think I could.”

“So what’s stopping you? Something big, I’m guessing, because you’ve been down in the dumps since you got here.”

“I… I don’t know what I want, Mum,” he admits. “Before we came here, like, yesterday morning, we had a massive fight and I told him I didn’t want to be with him.”

“Why, love?” Trisha asks gently. “What about?”

Zayn’s cheeks flame as he recounts how he’d stopped over and he had let it mean more than he intended to. He tells her of how upset Liam had been when he found him trying to sneak out in the morning and had confronted him about it, leading to them both saying words they don’t mean. Trisha, to her credit, takes it in her stride and simply twists one of Zayn’s rings around his finger, nodding along as he talks in a hushed voice. When he’s finished and suitably mortified, he turns to his mum, who grins and presses a quick kiss onto his burning cheek.

“First things first, any illusions I had of you not being sexually active disappeared the day you came home and told me you were expecting a child,” she tells him sternly, though there’s humour in her tone. “And secondly, the way you speak about him is something truly remarkable, sweetheart. You talk about him like Doniya talks about Tanvir, maybe even like how you talked about Perrie all that time ago. You’re clearly smitten, love.”

“Am I?” Zayn croaks, looking down into his lap. “Because I don’t know what I am, Mum. I want to think I could love him, but… but what if he leaves me? Leaves us?”

“Do you think he would?” Trisha asks gently. Zayn shrugs.

“Part… part of me thinks no, because he’s so sincere and he’s so… he’s so _Liam,_ Mum, that’s the only word I have for him.” He sighs. “But we’ve only known him, like, three months. Four months maybe. That’s not enough time to know someone and then dump a kid on them.”

“You’re allowed outside of Raani too, you know,” his mum tells him. “It might be hard to admit, love, but she’s not your entire happiness. No, listen,” she says, holding a finger up so he can’t cut her off. “You were eighteen when you became a dad, baby. You were so young and you missed out on some crucial years. You could do with claiming them back while you still can.”

“I have two jobs and a daughter, Mum…”

“Jay Tomlinson has seven children and a job,” Trisha says with raised eyebrows.

“Jay Tomlinson is superwoman, we both know that,” Zayn says with a small laugh.

“True to some extent,” Trisha says, squeezing his hand a little. “What I’m saying, Zayn, is those years you missed where for taking chances. Maybe you need to take a chance now. It could all go wrong, yes, but it could also be amazing. For you and for Raani.”

“You think so?”

“I think you deserve the chance at happiness,” Trisha says simply. “You got dealt an odd deck of cards but you’ve handled it so brilliantly and I’m so proud of you, sunshine. So proud.” She cups his face in her hands again. “Does being with him make you happy?”

“If it worked out…” Zayn starts to say but his mum shakes his face to shut him up.

“Does being with him make you happy?” she repeats.

He hesitates. “Yes,” he says in practically a whisper. “Because the more I think about it, the more I think I could love him.”

Trisha squeals, shaking her head from side to side. “Well there you go, sweetheart!”

“I was such a prick though, Mum,” Zayn mumbles forlornly. “I told him he was wrong and that it would never work and I think I made him feel awful because I made a comment about us both being blokes…”

Trisha sighs. “Stupid boy, stupid, _stupid_ boy,” she tells him.“Then you give it a few days. It’s Christmas anyway, he’s probably busy and distracted. Just make sure you do talk to him, yeah?”

“I will,” Zayn promises, covering her hands on his face. She smiles at him, pats his cheek and then stands up, pressing a kiss into his forehead.

“I’m so proud of you, darling. Your father and I both are. You know that, don’t you?”

“I do,” Zayn says quietly. “But it’s nice to have the reminder every now and then.”

Trisha snorts, ruffling his hair. “Come on you, come and keep your old mum company in the kitchen. You can chop the veg for me.”

Zayn smiles and nods, carrying their still full mugs back into the kitchen after her. He sets them on the counter and then grabs a chopping board, laughing at where Yaser is currently guiltily hiding that he and Raani have been eating their way through a box of Celebrations. He simply picks up a carrot and chops it, trying to not let the fact that she’s had a lot of sugar get to him. Perhaps he does need to listen to his mum and not be so focused on every little detail of Raani all the time.

After a long afternoon cooking and then dinner with all the family, the Maliks settle in front of the TV. Raani curls up on the floor by Zayn’s feet and is then fast asleep by the end of Doctor Who. She’s still dressed in her penguin onesie.

With a sigh and a somewhat reluctant heart, Zayn pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens up a new text to Liam.

_Raani loves the present, hasn’t taken it off all day. I also loved the present. It means a lot, Liam, you know that. Merry Christmas xxx_

He doesn’t get a reply but he’s strangely okay with that. He still needs some time to think but he goes to sleep thinking about how nice it would be to wake up in Liam’s strong arms and the decision suddenly feels a little easier.

*

It’s New Year’s Eve, Zayn’s dead on his feet at work and he has three missed calls from Louis.

 He gets to the break room and shoves his stuff into his backpack, his phone propped awkwardly between his shoulder and his ear. It takes Louis almost the whole duration of the ring to answer, by which point Zayn is ready to tear his hair out with frustration.

“Zayn?”

“What’s happened?” Zayn says quickly, slinging the bag over his shoulder. “Is Raani okay?”

“Raani- Raani’s fine, but…”

Zayn lets out a long exhale of relief. “Thank fuck, I was panicked that you’d broken her in an attempt to toboggan in this pathetic snowfall.”

“No, we… we haven’t left the house.”

“Why?” Zayn asks as he exits the shop, beginning the twenty minute or so walk home.

“There’s… oh my god, Zayn, there’s a girl in your kitchen who says she’s Liam’s best friend? Sophia or something?”

Zayn almost smacks into a lamppost. “What?” he hisses, his head moving from side to side rapidly as if an explanation will appear to him out of thin air. “What is she doing there?”

“She says she really needs to talk to you. Raani recognised her and they’re in the kitchen drinking tea while Raani shows her the penguin onesie.” There’s a pause. “I like her. She, like me, thinks you’re being a cowardly fool.”

“Brilliant,” Zayn snaps. “Excellent. Great, that.”

“Well, you know you’re being an idiot too, don’t you?” Louis titters. “Just get home.”

“I can only walk so fast,” Zayn tells him. “I’ll be twenty minutes.”

“Smashing, darling,” Louis singsongs. “I’m going back to talk to her about why you’re a tit. See you soon!”

“Louis!”

Louis’s hung up and Zayn wants to kill him. He hurries home as fast as he can, given that the pavements are covered in a thin layer of ice, heart thumping under his uniform. There are only two reasons that Zayn can think of for why Sophia would be there. One, she’s there to tell him off, which to be fair he thinks he deserves. Ever since Christmas and his chat with his mum, he’s thought less about how much he’s hurt himself but more at how much he cannot shake the guilt, how much he hurt Liam and how it must have looked for him to mumble that he likes him and then leave. It’s for this reason mainly that Zayn hasn’t tried to contact him again since the text on Christmas Eve. He feels like he doesn’t deserve to give Liam – sweet, gentle, amazingly fit and amazingly kind Liam – the time of day because he’s such a fuck up.

So then there’s option two – that she’s there to beg him not to break Liam’s heart. That notion makes me feel almost sick because it makes him picture Liam going back into the bedroom where they fucked, seeing the rumpled bed and smelling Zayn’s cologne on the sheets, his beautiful face curling into a frown and his eyes losing the spark Zayn notices they take on whenever they’re around each other.

He’s a twat and he’s a coward, and still all he wants is to get drunk on New Year’s Eve, kiss his daughter on the cheek and then put her to bed and then get even drunker. Gratefully, Niall and Jade have opted to host a party this year and extended the invitation to Zayn crashing with Raani in the guest room so he can definitely fulfil his wishes; if Sophia doesn’t make him feel too painfully guilty about Liam, that is.

He gets into his flat complex and lets himself in, traipsing up the stairs to the top floor. He unlocks the door to his flat and steps in, shuddering slightly at the change of temperature, then drops his bag to the floor and hangs up his coat before heading through to the kitchen.

Sophia’s sat at the table opposite Louis, a mug clasped in her hands and a tight grin on her face when she sees him. He offers a little wave and leans against the door. “Ur, hi.”

“Hi,” Sophia says back. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “I think we need to talk.”

Zayn sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. Fuck. “Uncle Lou, will you please take Raani into the living room? Watch The Little Mermaid or something?”

“No, Baba, I wanna stay with Sophie,” Raani whines from Sophia’s other side. “She was telling me about the lelliphants. I think they might be my second favouritist animal now.”

Zayn offers her a little smile. “You can tell me all about it later, flower. Uncle Lou?”

Louis nods and stands up, heading through to the sitting room. “Quickly, Raani, or I’ll put on a film you hate!”

“No, I want The Little Mermaid!” Raani cries, jumping up and hurrying through. She pauses to give Zayn a quick hug hello and then scurries after her Uncle Lou, giving Zayn time to close the door.

“How… how did you find out where I live?”

Sophia snorts. “You remember my girlfriend, El?” Zayn nods. “She’s a computer technician. She helped me find your name and address on the zoo database for all annual pass holders.”

“That’s a little creepy,” Zayn tells her.

Sophia looks thoughtful. “I’m more inclined to call it incredibly sexy, but I see where you’re coming from.”

Zayn laughs at that and after a beat, so does Sophia. He slides into the chair opposite her and rings his hands in front of him, avoiding her eyes.

“Zayn,” she says after a moment. “I’m not here to yell at you. I _should,_ because my best friend is a fucking wreck, but I can see why you said what you said.”

Zayn looks up. “You can?”

Sophia nods. “My sister got pregnant after a one night stand, you know. She was only nineteen. She’s twenty-one now and that little boy is her entire world. I doubt she’d even look at another man, not really, not right now anyway.”

“Wow,” Zayn croaks. Sophia hums.

“The thing is, Zayn, you’re not like her. I’ve seen the way you look at him. I’ve seen the way he looks back. I’m _sure_ you haven’t missed the way he looks at your littlun.”

“No, no I haven’t,” Zayn admits after a pause. “He’s wonderful.”

“He is,” Sophia nods. “And he didn’t deserve to have his heart broken by you.”

“I agree,” Zayn says. “I know I was a piece of shit and I want to tell him I’m sorry but… but I don’t want to see him if it’s going to be too hard for us both, you know?”

“He said you said you had a sob story,” Sophia says, ignoring his question. “But he didn’t tell you his, did he? He’d kill me for calling it a sob story, but life hasn’t been the best to him either, you know.”

Zayn freezes. “Oh god, no, he didn’t. Did…” He pauses for a terrifying second. “Did I say something really offensive without realising?”

Sophia coughs. “I’ve known Liam since year seven, so, like, I was there for it all. The sexuality crisis, cuddling him through the shitty bullies, picking him up from the boxing lessons he felt like he had to take to defend himself, yeah?”

“Shit,” Zayn whispers. “I made him feel bad about being gay, didn’t I? _God,_ I am such a prick, god, Sophia…”

“I mean, yeah, saying that it would have been easier if he was a woman wasn’t, like, the best thing you could have said, so I should probably yell at you for that.” Zayn looks forlorn. “ _But_ I can see why you did it.”

“What?” Zayn asks incredulously.

“I had my own sexuality crisis once too,” Sophia shrugs. “It’s not easy, certainly can’t be easy just meeting someone and realising you want someone of the gender you never thought of in that way.”

“Why are you being so nice about this?” Zayn asks. He’s genuinely baffled. “If someone did this to Louis in there I’d want to rip them a new one.”

“Because I’m not blind, Zayn,” Sophia says gently. She gently covers his clasped hands with one of hers. “You’re not a bad guy. You’re freaked out and you’ve got a child to worry about. I can’t even imagine what that must be like, babe.” She sighs. “Liam would be a great boyfriend, you know. I’ve watched him go through shit bloke after shit bloke who doesn’t want to commit and he puts on a brave face and moves on. But with you… you’ve done something to him. You’re, like, under his skin. He barely eats, barely showers, he’s just moping.”

“Oh.”

“Oh,” Sophia echoes. “I pour my heart out to Liam about you and all you can say is oh?”

“I don’t… what do you want me to do?” Zayn sighs. “I… I know Liam would be a great boyfriend, I know he’d care about me more than I can put into words and I know… fuck, I know that maybe even somewhere along the way I fell in love with him…” Sophia gapes at him. “But there’s just… there’s something telling me I shouldn’t. I _can’t.”_

“Have you asked Raani?” Sophia questions gently. “Does she have any idea about her Baba and Leeyum?”

Zayn’s chest feels tight with fondness as he thinks back to the Christmas concert, when Raani had ploughed straight into Liam’s arms over anyone else. “No,” he says quietly. “Do you think I should?”

“Maybe that’s what’s stopping you,” Sophia shrugs. “Because I’m guessing Louis’s told you you’re being an idiot.” Zayn nods. “And I have and Liam has.”

“And my other best mates have. And my mum.”

“Well, there you go,” Sophia says kindly. “You have the approval of everyone but the most important person in your life. It’ll affect her too and you know it’s gonna need her approval.” She grins. “And you’re scared to ask the approval of a five year old?”

“It’s not that simple,” Zayn mumbles. “It would affect her so much. Like, more than she knows.”

“How?” Sophia asks gently, squeezing his hands.

“Like… she’s already one of the few Muslim kids in her class and I’m a single dad and it’s all…”

“She wouldn’t care, you know,” Sophia cuts in. “She wants you to be happy. And so she should. You deserve happiness, Zayn.”

“I know, but what if…”

“I don’t think you do know,” Sophia says softly. “Sometimes great things happen. And Liam is a great thing, if you’d let him happen to you, you know. And at the risk of sounding like your mum or a teacher or someone, you can’t live your life based off of what ifs.”

“But she’s too young to understand,” Zayn argues. “She won’t understand until she’s older when kids are crueller and bigger and…”

“And so she’ll have had a while to work out why her Baba being in love with a man is not a problem at all because he adores her too,” Sophia says. “She’ll be able to defend herself because she’s sticking up for the two people who love her the most and at the end of the day, she’s loved so much here then who cares what kids think? And again, babe, you’re thinking too much about the what ifs.”

“So you think I should talk to her?”

Sophia nods. “I do. Like, just see what she says, you know? It might make you think a little differently.”

Zayn nods slowly then speeds up as he warms to the idea. She’s not wrong, it matters to him what Raani thinks more than it mattered what his parents or Louis thought, which makes no sense at all and all the sense in the world at the same time.

“Can I… what’s Liam’s address? Just in case I need to go and see him.”

Sophia grins before she grabs a piece of paper and a pencil from the untidy pile on the corner of the kitchen table. “Just in case?”

“Just… whatever happens, I need to do this, like, actually with him, don’t I? I fucked up the first time by trying not to do it to his face so… yeah.”

“You won’t fuck up again,” Sophia says. “Whatever choice you’ll make will be the right one, because you went with your heart. Right?”

“Right,” Zayn echoes faintly. “Thanks. I… thanks.”

“No problem. Just… try to let him down gently if that’s the route you’re gonna take, alright?”

Zayn nods. “Yeah, yeah, okay. You want another tea?”

Sophia shakes her head. “Gotta go and pick El up from work in twenty minutes. Thank you though. And thanks for not throwing me out after I kind of intruded in on your house.”

Zayn grins. “You’re fine. If you have Raani’s seal of approval, you probably have mine. Well…”

“Like Liam then?” Sophia says, teeth glinting under the cheap light as she grins so wide. Zayn lets out a long side.

“Yeah, like… like Liam, I guess.”

She smiles and pats his cheek. “Best of luck, babe.”

He sees her out with another squeeze of her hand and then takes a minute to compose himself, rubbing his eyes with his fists and taking several more deep, gulping breaths.

“Hey, Lou?” he says, heading into the living room before he can change his mind. “Do you mind if I borrow Rara for a second? I need to talk to her about something important.”

Louis nods and hums, pausing the film. Raani immediately looks guilty.

“Is this about the chocolate stain on the sofa?” she asks, eyes wide.

Zayn snorts despite his nerves. “No, flower, although we’ll be discussing that later.” He cocks his head towards their bedrooms. “Come with me to my bedroom a sec?”

Raani still looks guilty as she hops off the sofa and toddles towards him. Louis shoots his eyebrows up and mouths an “all okay?” over to Zayn, who simply nods and shoots him a quick thumbs up before following Raani down the hallway. He sits himself down on the edge of the bed and unties his shoes, kicking them to the floor. He then settles against the pillows and holds out one arm that Raani crawls into, curling into his side.

“Am I in trouble?” she asks worriedly, little eyelashes fluttering as she sticks two fingers into her mouth. Zayn wraps a hand around her wrist and pulls them out slowly.

“No, flower, no. I just… I need to talk to you about something important to do with Baba and I need you to listen carefully, okay?”

She nods slowly, tangling her spit-covered hand in her dress. Zayn takes a moment to work out how to word what he needs to say, stroking her hair as he mulls it over.

“Raani, I…” He takes a deep breath and rolls over so he’s facing her, pressing a gentle kiss onto her forehead. “I need to ask you some questions, okay?”

She nods and stares up at him curiously, snaking her fingers back into her mouth.

“Rara, you know we have Baba’s group of friends? So you have Uncle Niall and Auntie Jade, yeah?” She nods. “Well, you understand that they aren’t friends like Uncle Niall is friends with me. They’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Do you know what that means?”

Raani pauses but shakes her head.

Zayn coughs awkwardly. “Well, basically, when two people love each other they can do what those two do, which is kiss sometimes and live together and maybe get married. Like Nanny and Abbu. They were boyfriend and girlfriend and then they got married and then they had children.”

“Yes,” says Raani, like she’s still mulling it over. “So Niall and Jade are gonna marry?”

“I think so,” Zayn says with a smile. “So what happened was your mummy was my girlfriend, so we would kiss and hold hands and we were in love, which is like being best, best friends with someone but, like, a step further.”

Raani nods again. “But mummy isn’t your girlfriend anymore?”

Zayn’s heart clenches. “No, flower, she’s not alive to be my girlfriend anymore.” He takes a deep breath. “Now sometimes there are couples, like Niall and Jade, but who are both boys or both girls. Like Uncle Lou has Uncle Harry has his boyfriend, so they can kiss and cuddle and hold hands and stuff and maybe even one day get married.”

“I know, I’ve seen them kissing. It’s nasty looking,” Raani says, wrinkling her nose.

“Right,” Zayn says forlornly, making a mental note to slap Louis upside the head when they get back into the sitting room. “But the thing is, flower, that sometimes there are lots of people who don’t think people like Harry and Louis should be in love. They think that love should only between a man and a woman, like Niall and Jade.”

Raani looks confused. “But why? Uncle Harry makes Uncle Lou smile and gives him kisses and stuff. Why don’t people like it? Is it because it’s icky to look at?”

“Something like that, darling,” Zayn says sadly, stroking her fringe and wishing everything was really as simple as it was when you were five years old. “But because a lot of people don’t like it, it can be scary if a boy wants to be with another boy.”

“Is Uncle Lou too scared to be with Uncle Harry anymore?” Raani gasps, looking genuinely terrified. Zayn shakes his head quickly.

“No, flower, no.” He sighs. “What if I told you that I want Liam to become my boyfriend? Who I hold hands with and who comes round a lot and I sometimes kiss? Someone…” He sighs again and takes a deep, gulping breath. “Someone who I love very much.”

“Really? Leeyum?” Raani says, scrabbling to sit up. “You want to be boyfriends with Leeyum?”

Zayn nods slowly. “I think so, flower. How does that make you feel?”

He barely has time to open his arms before Raani launches herself into them , snuggling her face into his neck. He hugs back tightly, unable to stop his smile as Raani squeals, bouncing her arms up and down.

“Does that mean Leeyum is going to move in and you’re gonna get married?” she screeches.

Zayn chokes on his voice. “Um, I mean, not right now, flower. I did something to make Liam mad, actually, so I don’t even know if he’d still want to be my boyfriend but yes, I mean, maybe one day in the future. When you’re a little older, perhaps.”

“What did you do, Baba?” Raani asks sternly. “Leeyum is so nice, why did you make him mad?”

“It… it doesn’t matter,” Zayn says with a groan.

Raani gives him a light slap on the shoulder. “Did you say sorry?” Zayn shakes his head. “Are you gonna?”

“If you tell me that you are okay with me and Liam being special friends? Like, promise?”

“Promise, promise,” Raani says, nodding eagerly. “He’s my favouritist after you.” She suddenly looks panicked. “Don’t tell Uncle Lou.”

“I won’t, darling, I won’t,” Zayn says. “Listen, it’s not just as simple as Liam being here more often and me sometimes holding his hands. Things would be different.”

“Like?” Raani asks curiously.

“I… I don’t know exactly but things wouldn’t be as they are now, love. I still have to work a lot but Liam might be here sometimes, or we might go to his… I don’t exactly know, babygirl. But should we try?”

“Yes,” Raani says firmly. “So, wait, does that make Liam my new mummy? I thought you said I couldn’t just get a new one.”

“Liam wouldn’t be your mummy, he’s a man,” Zayn says. “He might be your dad but for now he’s still Liam. Like I said, flower, I don’t know how it will change but I think…”

“That’s fine, as long as I get to see Liam a lot!” Raani says enthusiastically, throwing her arms around Zayn again. “Yay!”

“I need to go talk to him first, flower,” Zayn says, kissing her forehead.

“Go now!” Raani says, tugging on his forearm. “I don’t want him to be mad at you.”

“Neither do I,” Zayn admits, balling his hand into a fist and knocking it against his forehead. “So you are absolutely sure?”

“Oh my god, shut up Baba!” Louis snaps from the doorway. “You have her approval, what more do you want?”

“The fu- how long have you been there?”

Louis raises his eyebrows. “Long enough to hear Raani say I’m not her favourite.” He crosses his arms and pouts as Raani covers her mouth and gasps, her cheeks pink.

“Sorry, Uncle Lou,” she mumbles.

“I’ll forgive you if you make your Baba get in the car and go to Liam’s,” Louis sighs dramatically. “Come on, we’ll get you ready for Uncle Niall’s party in the meantime and meet Baba there, yes?”

“Yes, Baba, go!” Raani says, shoving him gently. Zayn sits up and glares at Louis, who just smiles sweetly and pulls his keys out of the pocket of his jeans, waving them in front of his face. He groans and flops back onto the pillows, covering his face with his hands. “Baba, go!”

“Is this what I want?” Zayn mumbles into his palms. “This isn’t a mistake?”

“If we weren’t in the presence of a child, I swear to god,” Louis grumbles.  He signals to Raani to come off the bed and she scrabbles off and into his arms, where he scoops her up and onto his hip. “Do you love him?”

“Louis…”

“Do you love him?”

“You know I do,” Zayn moans.

“Right, there’s your answer. Come on, Rara love, let’s get your hair done!”

He’s still got his hands over his eyes but he feels the set of keys collide with his stomach, making him flinch inwards and groan.

“Zayn. Now!”

Zayn snatches up the keys and flips him off behind his back, then hunts around on the floor for his shoes. He can hear Raani apologising profusely to Louis in her bedroom and he grins a little to himself, thinking about how nice it would be to have Liam here all the time being the one to make Raani giggle.

Suddenly he wants nothing more than that. The more he thinks about it, the more he wants to hear Liam’s laugh in that room over Louis’s. He wants Liam to be the one waking him up from pre-work naps and the one plaiting Raani’s hair, cooking her supper and then being the one he comes home to after a long day of work. He wants to crawl into a warm bed after a shift at the club rather than worrying about how tired and moody Louis or Harry will be the next day and he wants to wake up and see Liam’s bright eyes and beautiful smile next to him. He wants that.

He yanks his shoes back on and then dashes through the flat, grabbing his coat and then hurrying through to the kitchen to grab the address. He inputs it into the GPS app on his iPhone as he taps down the stairs and then sets it into the cup holder as he drives off towards Liam’s house.

It’s dark as he pulls up outside Liam’s house. It already looks painfully familiar despite him only seeing it once in the daylight so he takes a second to give himself a little mental pep talk, promising himself again and again that he does want this.

His feet feel like stones as he steps out the car, walking up to Liam’s front door. He rings the doorbell twice and steps down onto the step below, shoving his cold hands in his pockets.

There’s no response for a few minutes. Zayn can see lights on in the kitchen though so he rings it again, trying to peer in through the decorative glass on his front door.

“For crying out loud, Soph, I said I’d come…” he hears Liam snap then the door is yanked open. Zayn gulps and steps back down onto the lower step, staring up at Liam’s beautiful, shocked face.

He’s got a face full of scruff and he’s wearing checked pyjama bottoms and a worn-looking red hoodie. He looks a little tired, bags sitting heavy under his eyes and there’s a giant food stain on the chest of his jumper but Zayn doesn’t think he’s ever looked more stunning.

He can’t believe he ever thought he didn’t want him.

“I…” he starts but then Liam cuts him off.

“What do you want?” he says, eyes wide and flashing with something that looks like anger. “Here to break my heart again?”

“Liam, god, no,” Zayn croaks, wanting to curl away and go back to Louis’s car. “Can we… can we talk?”

“Did we not talk enough on the morning of Christmas eve?” Liam snaps. “Because I thought we did.”

“God, Liam,” Zayn groans, balling his hand into a fist and banging it on his forehead. “I fucked up, I _so_ fucked up.”

“Yeah, you did,” Liam huffs, leaning against the door. “What do you want, Zayn?”

“You,” Zayn says without missing a beat. Liam’s mouth drops open but then he slams it closed again. “I want you. I’m sorry I made you feel like it meant nothing because _god,_ it meant everything and…”

“Shut up,” Liam interrupts. His voice is shaking a little. “You need to stop because you’re gonna break my heart, Zayn. You can’t… you can’t say these things after the things you said last week, you _can’t,_ it isn’t fair.”

“Liam,” Zayn says, his voice also unsteady, “Liam, I… can I come in? I need you to understand but, like, I’m fucking freezing.”

“I…” Liam gulps. It takes him a second but then he stands aside, gesturing for Zayn to move past him. Zayn stands awkwardly in the hallway until Liam motions him into the living room, where Zayn slowly takes off his coat and drapes it over the same dining chair as before. He then sinks into the seat where Liam first kissed him, almost immediately regretting it when he sees Liam flinch.

There’s a tense silence for what feels like an eternity until Zayn eventually stammers out “Raani loves the onesie.”

Liam nods curtly. “You mentioned. I’m glad.”

Zayn flashes him a quick, grateful smile. “I, er, I loved my present too. A lot. That really… it really meant a lot, Liam. Like, so much.”

“I meant it, you know,” Liam says after a pause. “I’ve never lied to you about anything. You’re the greatest father I know and I really did think we were going to end up together. I meant every word I told you that night and that morning.” He shrugs, defeated.

“I thought… I thought you would break my heart if I stayed,” Zayn admits, not much louder than a whisper. “You meant so much to me so quickly, I didn’t know what to do with it.”

“So you pushed me away?” Liam questions. “You made me feel like shit for _not_ interpreting it wrong?”

“Yes,” Zayn says sadly. “And I’ve felt like shit about it ever since. Because I thought… I thought it didn’t matter what I wanted or what you wanted, really, I thought what mattered was keeping things as simple for Raani as I could.”

“But…” Liam coughs. “But you… you don’t think that anymore?” He says it barely louder than a whisper, like he’s still not quite sure he’s going to believe what Zayn tells him. Zayn hates that he’s made him feel this way.

“Of course it matters, but so do you,” he says gently. “You matter to me, you matter to me so much, Liam.”

“So what, you just realised this overnight?” Liam asks sceptically.

“I had a lot of people shout at me,” Zayn admits. “Louis, Niall, my mum, Sophia…”

“Sophia?” Liam lets out a surprised burst of laughter. “What the hell?”

“She came round earlier, you know,” Zayn chuckles. “Got my address off the zoo database and came round for a chat.”

“Fuck,” Liam breaths, a laugh slipping past his lips that makes Zayn’s chest feel less tight. “She’s, um, she’s just a tad protective of me, in case you couldn’t tell.”

“I could,” Zayn says, chancing a small smile his way. “And she told me to… she was actually really supportive about everything and stuff. You’ve got a goodun there.”

 “Thanks,” Liam croaks. He pauses. “So…”

“Can I just explain?” Zayn pleads quickly. “Can I just, like, have you hear me out? And if it’s not what you want to hear then feel free to tell me to fuck off and never talk to you again but… but I really don’t want that. And, like, I don’t think you want that either?” He coughs nervously. “At least I hope you don’t.”

“No, I don’t. Against my better judgment properly,” Liam laughs almost sadly, “but yeah, okay, I’ll hear you out.”

Zayn takes a deep breath. “Let me just start by saying that the first time I saw you, I thought you were bloody beautiful. Like…” He snorts a little to himself. “Lou will tell you that the first thing I did when I got home from the zoo that first time was check your Facebook to see if you were single.”

Liam’s eyebrows shoot up at that. Zayn barrels on before he can say anything.

“I think you’re one of the best looking people I’ve ever seen, Liam. Not only best looking though, but, like, best in general. You’re fun to be around and you make me laugh and you make me feel safe in this strange way and _god,_ don’t even get me started on the way you are with my daughter.”

The corners of Liam’s lips twitch at that but he still doesn’t say anything. Zayn takes another deep breath.

“I... from, like, the age of seventeen I was all prepared to marry Perrie, right? We were going to have a kid together and that’s what you do if you have a kid with someone, isn’t it? Marry them?” He sighs. “I… I honestly can’t tell you if we’d have stayed together or not but the point is I honestly didn’t ever think about another man in that way before you. Like, it never even occurred to me. But then you… you made me want to question that because you were so…” He scratches nervously at his scalp. “It’s not okay that I said that we shouldn’t be together because you’re a bloke. I am honestly so sorry I made you feel like shit about that for even a second. Because I don’t care about that, not even a little bit.” He pauses. “I rather like it actually.” Another pause. “The way it was with you… it was never that good with Perrie. Ever.”

“You’re the best I’ve ever had,” Liam rasps. “It’s always better if you’re in love with the person, I’ve heard.”

Zayn freezes, mouth hanging open almost comically and his reply trapped somewhere in his voice box. “I… you’re in love with me too?”

“I’m completely, totally in love with you,” Liam says, his voice sounding strained. “What, you think I’d be holding this fucking pity party for myself if I just saw you as a casual fuck between friends?”

“I love you too,” Zayn says roughly. “I love you so much.”

“Then why did you sneak out?” Liam asks desperately. “Why, Zayn?”

“Because I’m a fucking coward,” Zayn all but whispers. “I thought you were going to break my heart.”

“Zayn, if I haven’t made it clear by now that loving you means loving everything that comes with you,” Liam says, scrubbing a hand over his face, “then I’ve done it wrong. I don’t… it’s never been anything more than a hundred percent with you. You and Raani.”

“I know,” Zayn says. “I do know and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry but I’m here and I want…” He swallows nervously. “I want you so much, Liam. I want you to be the one who I come home to after work and I want it to be you who I wake up next to and I want to go on dates with you and then days out with Raani as… well, not a family if you’re not ready but…”

“I am,” Liam says in a shaky voice. “I know it’s not going to, like, be a direct swap from what we are now into a family and for all we know it might not work but I’m completely in love with you and I adore Raani so much so I… I know I said I didn’t have to go straight into being a daddy but if that’s what it takes to keep you then I’m so willing.”

“It’s a risk I’m absolutely willing to take too,” Zayn says, as firmly as he can. “And thank you. God, see, I can’t believe I thought I didn’t want you because you’re so…”

He’s cut off as Liam stumbles out of his seat and connects their lips, pushing Zayn roughly against the sofa. Zayn grips the back of his hoodie in one hand and into his hair in the other, mouth open and inviting as Liam licks into it. He pillars himself around Zayn, kissing him in that way that makes him feel so wanted and adored that Zayn can’t believe that he was willing to let this go without a second thought, too stubborn to listen to other people and too reluctant to admit what he wanted.

“You and me, yeah?” Liam mumbles against his lips, pulling back to rest their foreheads together. “Tell me again that you want this.”

Zayn slams their mouths together once more, kissing him with all his might. He tugs Liam down further so their bodies are flush together and Liam’s hands come to tangle in Zayn’s hair. They kiss until they can’t anymore and when they break apart Zayn nudges their noses together, eyes unable to look anywhere but directly into each other’s.

“You make me so happy. You make Raani happy too and I… I want you so much…”

Liam kisses him again, this time harsher and Zayn can’t help but moan into it, hands bunching up Liam’s hoodie while Liam’s own smooth down his neck and shoulders.

“And you’re… you’re not going to freak out that I’m not a girl, are you?” Liam asks hurriedly, pulling away. “Like the stubble isn’t freaking you out or… or… I don’t know…”

“Babe,” Zayn breathes, shaking his head hurriedly. “I want you. That means _you._ Your face, your stubble, you giant fingers inside me…” He groans as Liam nods and then starts to mouth at his neck. “Your cock, _fuck,_ your cock.”

“Want to be inside,” Liam whines into his skin. “C-can I? Is it too soon?”

Zayn shakes his head again. “God, no. Want that so much. Love you so much.”

Liam nods and kisses him again, doesn’t stop kissing him as he coaxes him into an upright position slowly, leaning back on his knees as Zayn shuffles up onto his bum.

“Upstairs?”

Zayn nods and takes his hand as they both stand up and hurry upstairs quickly. There’s a thick tension in the atmosphere and Zayn’s almost the whole way to hard in his jeans, just from the kissing. They traipse up the stairs and Zayn can see that the hallway is dark yet littered with plates and cups, like Liam hasn’t really gone downstairs much these past few days. In his guilt, he stops walking then tugs Liam back for a quick kiss, cupping his face in his hands and taking it a little slower, kissing him closed mouthed but long, stroking over his cheekbone.

Liam seems to understand because when he pulls back he simply offers a little smile then tugs Zayn back to the bedroom, closing the door behind him as he goes and then stepping back into Zayn’s space again, kissing him breathless.

“Naked,” Zayn instructs against his lips. “Want you in me.”

Liam nods, his hands sliding under Zayn’s shirt and tracing the plains of his stomach slowly before he pulls it off. Zayn does the same to Liam and then gently presses him down onto the bed so he’s lying on his back. He wants to spend hours doing this – mapping out Liam’s body, kissing every inch of his skin, finding moles and birthmarks and blemishes that only he will know about – but now doesn’t seem quite like the time. It’s lucky, Zayn thinks, that now they have all the time in the world for him to do this.

Liam tugs him down for another kiss and Zayn obliges happily. Their crotches bump together and _shit,_ Zayn could come from this, in his jeans and in seconds if Liam keeps tilting his hips up like this. He allows himself a few more seconds of dizzying, gratifying pleasure but then forces himself to pull away, shaking his head wildly.

“No, no, want you in me when I come,” he whines. Liam nods and then flips them over, hovering over him and smiling softly as he gently brushes a few strands of hair from Zayn’s eyes. “Love you,” he says up to him and Liam positively beams. He presses a kiss into the corner of Zayn’s mouth.

“Love you too,” he says in a deep voice and fuck, Zayn is so turned on that he almost growls with it. Liam reaches up past him to retrieve the bottle of lube –still in the same place on the nightstand where they’d left it after their last fuck, Zayn notices with a heavy heart -  and then reaches a little further to the drawer for a condom.

He settles back between Zayn’s legs and after that, it’s like a switch has been flicked. Their kisses seem to go deeper, harsher, and their hands fumble to pull off their trousers hurriedly. When Liam’s erection pops out of his joggers and slaps against his belly with a meaty sound Zayn wraps a hand around it immediately and Liam whines low in his throat, slowly fucking his hips forward into his fist.

“Belly,” Liam gasps as Zayn flicks his wrist a little, trying to do what he does to himself on Liam’s dick. “Roll over onto your belly for me.”

Zayn lets go of Liam reluctantly and does just that, then there’s a gentle hand running itself down his back and soft kisses being pressed across his shoulder blades. A dry fingertip presses against his hole and he shudders, gasping as it rubs over it a couple of times before it’s pulled back, returning a few moments later slick with lube.

He works Zayn open slowly and Zayn almost wishes this was the other way round, that we was the one touching Liam so intimately and allowing him to put his trust in him like this, whispering nonsensical words of love and pleasure into his sweaty skin and showing him how much good they are together, how good they always will be together no matter how they do this.

(He only _almost_ wishes this though, because then Liam’s thick fingers are brushing over his prostate, sending tidal waves of pleasure over all of him and making him shudder and moan and beg for more.)

He’s vaguely aware of Liam rolling on a condom and then he’s being gently coaxed onto his hands and knees, though his limbs feel like jelly and he’s pretty sure he’s going to come about four seconds after Liam gets inside him. Liam runs a hand over his stomach again and kisses his back.

“You ready?”

“So ready,” Zayn grits out, one hand gripping at the headboard desperately because he doesn’t think the sheets are leverage enough. “God, Li, I…”

“I’ve got you,” Liam promises, and then starts to nudge in slowly.

_I’ve got you._

Tears prick at his eyes as Liam pushes inside him at a torturous pace. It takes all his restraint not to just shove back and fuck himself frantically because he’s _so close already_ but he wants to make this good for them both, wants to draw this out and keep this the best Liam’s ever had.

“Li,” he groans again. A kiss is pressed into his shoulder. “Li, _god._ ”

“Zayn,” Liam moans, pausing as he finally gets himself fully sheathed inside him. His hand covers Zayn’s on the sheets. “Zayn, you feel amazing, _fuck,_ want… can I move?”

Zayn nods and then whimpers as Liam snaps his hips up. His eyes flutter between open and shut as Liam’s body picks up a rhythm and then starts to fuck into him faster and he presses his face into the pillow, arching his back as if that will help him take Liam deeper. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this good before, despite his straining muscles and the wood of the headboard digging into his palm. All that matters is Liam.

Liam’s fingers are digging in to his hips but then Zayn manages to stammer out a “love you so much” and then he pulls back a little, fucking into him but with a finger tracing over where his cock is disappearing then reappearing from inside him.

“You look so good, taking my cock like this,” he groans, then drapes his body across Zayn’s. “Do you have any idea how beautiful it looks?”

“Wanna try… next…” Zayn stutters. “Li, please, my cock…”

Liam reaches forward and pulls Zayn’s hand off the headboard. Zayn’s whole body gives way and he falls forwards into the mattress as Liam fucks him harder. The friction of his hard dick against the duvet accompanied by the way Liam is pounding into him relentlessly makes him come in very little time and he shoots in all over the sheets and feels himself clenching around Liam simultaneously. Liam’s hips stutter and then he’s coming too, crying Zayn’s name as he does so.

Zayn thinks he might white out a little, still not used to coming that hard after so long without it, but as he comes to he can feel Liam slowly pulling out of him and tying the condom, which he then drops into the bin next to the bed. He then feels his body settle down next to him and so he makes the effort to roll over, fingers tangling with Liam’s.

“Wow.”

“I know,” Liam smiles, bringing Zayn’s knuckles to his mouth and pressing his lips to them. “I was worried you were going to push me away.”

Zayn’s brows furrow. “Why would I do that?”

Liam looks sheepish. “I may have not showered in a couple of days. I probably smell ranker than before now.”

“Worth it,” Zayn says with a smile. “As long as it’s you I’m shagging from now on I don’t really care how you smell.”

“You should,” Liam wrinkles his nose. “I get told regularly that I fucking stink after I work out and such. And that was quite the work out.”

Zayn snorts. “I got spunk all over your duvet though. I think we’re even on the disgusting scale.”

They kiss then, Liam’s hand on Zayn’s cheek and their other hands still tangled together. Zayn giggles into it a little because his own stupidity is almost comical at this point – Liam _does_ smell, now he comes to notice it but still there isn’t anywhere else he would rather be – not at Niall and Jade’s, not with Louis, not even with Raani for once. But this is the first time he’s ever actually thought he might be okay with it.

And there’s still so much for them to talk about, of course. How it would affect Raani, when they’ll get to see each other, whether Liam will be up for babysitting or doing the food shop or whatever and how much Zayn is going to worry about everything because it’s new and it’s different. But for now, as Liam rolls over him and presses him back into the mattress, he’s okay to not worry about it for a little while longer.

*

There’s a phone ringing somewhere.

Zayn blinks several times and scrubs a hand over his face, ready to yell at whoever it belonged to to shut it off before he realised it was _his._ He sits up and blinks a few more times, then hunts around on Liam’s floor for his discarded jeans. He plucks his phone out and answers it before it rings out.

“What’s up, Ni?”

“Are you at home or at Liam’s?” Niall asks him quickly. “I have a fiver resting on this, you better be at Liam’s.”

Zayn snorts. “I’m at Liam’s.”

“Victory!” Niall yells, then Zayn hears him high-five someone. “Lou and I win. Jade and Harry both thought you might just drive around for a bit before you went home and moped.”

Zayn splutters, offended. “Wow, guys, cheers.”

“No worries!” he hears Harry call. He hears Jade’s laugh and then Niall comes back on the phone.

“So you’re all sorted then?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re good,” Zayn says. He can’t help but grin like mad. “We’re giving it a go.”

“Double victory!” Niall screeches and Zayn can hear Jade and Harry and Louis cheering him on too. “Atta boy, Zaynie!”

“Thanks, I guess?” he says. He feels a hand touch his side gently and he looks down to see Liam’s lashes fluttering against his cheek sleepily, so he laces their hands together. “Hey, what time is it?”

“Eleven fifty-six,” Niall says. “Did you nearly sleep through the ball drop?”

“Maybe,” Zayn says. “How’s my girl?”

“Here and wanting to speak to you, which was the main purpose of this phone call actually,” Niall says. “Rara!”

“Hello, Baba,” he hears her yawn down the receiver. “Are you okay?”

“Hey flower,” he says softly, squeezing the phone a little tighter. “Are you tired?”

“No,” she mumbles in a very tired voice.

“Hey, sorry I’m not with you,” Zayn says guiltily. “Are you having a good time though?”

“That’s okay,” Raani says with another yawn. “I am but apparently it’s bedtime soon.”

“It is bedtime soon,” Zayn says solemnly. “Want me to stay on the phone so we can do the countdown together?”

“Uh huh,” Raani agrees. She goes on to tell Zayn about how she had a sip of Uncle Harry’s champagne and it was icky while Liam wakes up a little more next to Zayn, eventually sitting up and dropping an arm around his bare waist.

“Okay, Raani, it’s about to start!” he hears Jade say excitedly. “Is Baba ready?”

“Ready, Baba?”

Zayn smiles at Liam and nods. “Yes, we’re ready. Ready?”

“Ten… nine… eight… seven… six… five… four… three… two… one… Happy New Year!” Raani screeches delightedly. Zayn can hear her little hand clapping against the receiver. “Love you Baba!”

“Love you so much, Rara,” Zayn tells her. “Did you make a wish?”

“I wish everyone would stop icky kissing in this kitchen!” Raani shouts. Liam and Zayn both snort at that. “Hey, no, Uncle Harry, put me down!”

The phone ends up back with Niall. “Hey, happy New Year, man!”

“Happy new year, Ni,” Zayn echoes. “Stop icky kissing and go and put my child to bed.”

“Happy shagging!” Niall says back and promptly hangs up. Zayn snorts and sets his phone on the bedside table, then leans back against Liam’s warm chest.

“Hi,” he murmurs.

“Hi yourself,” Liam says. He tilts Zayn’s head for a long kiss. “She sounded like she was having a great time.”

“I think she was,” Zayn chuckles. “I hope none of my friends got her drunk.”

“Do you wish you were there with her?”

Zayn pauses but shakes his head. “Not really. I think I’m good being here with you. Very good, actually.”

Liam kisses him again. “I love you.”

“You too, so much,” Zayn says against his lips. “Now what do you say we start this year with a bang?” Liam raises his eyebrows. “As in, we have sex again right now?”

“Sounds like the happiest new year of all,” Liam giggles, tilting his head for another kiss. “Happy new year, baby.”

 “Happy new year, Li.”

 


End file.
